I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
______________________________ __________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?
“No, just here for a few days.”
______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,
A voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
______________________________ __________

“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”
______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected ~ Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.~ Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.~ Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~ John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~ Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~ Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~ Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.~ Will Rogers~

A bonus and one of my favorites – Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain-

I’m only sending this to the brightest of my SENIOR and almost senior friends. New Senior’s Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 

7) What was King George VI’s first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.  

Check your answers below …. 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert 

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) 

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!  (And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin) Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Or…….

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Or…….

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan …
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Or…….

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen  recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter,  and road repair.
6. 6. The highest level of criticism is  “He is different, she is different or It was different!

Or…….

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everywhere is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonde”..

Or…….

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the daycare center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Or…….

You can retire to the Nebraska where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.

FINALLY,  or you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Fast Food

If you don’t pass this along, a dog will visit your computer!

Oops…guess you didn’t send it fast enough!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a ranch, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

Look at the picture. This has to be about the saddest looking kid.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

THIS GUY IS A CANADIAN FROM NEWFOUNDLAND

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor  Store. 

I  placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I  stopped at the service station where an (almost drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde)  chic filling up her car at the next pump. It  was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. 

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.  With  her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a  sexy voice, “  I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for  beer?”  

I  thought for a few seconds and asked her 

…..  “What kind of beer you got?

Have a beautiful, happy day!