Time is like a river.  You cannot touch the water twice because the  flow that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story

My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said…..’ THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ‘

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s almost 3 times a week ! ………You could learn a lot from him.’ We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow…’

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale. I don’t know if it’s true or not but a good story either way.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying … and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.

‘Look Paddy … there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy.

He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope’s little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.

A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother.

Trump climbed down the yacht’s ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.

The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water!

Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.

The next morning the New York Times headline read . . .

DONALD TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!!!!

The Polish Golf Club Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship
and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep
valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into
the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the
hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but
there’s a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed
each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.
They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist
golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle
of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, “We had better get a ruling from a tournament
official to straighten this out.” “This is the Polish Country Club
Championships and
we don’t want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong
ball.” “After all, we are tied for the lead.”

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf
balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

“Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

The Dreaded Phone Call….

My boss phoned me today.  He asked,  “Is everything OK at the office?”;

I said “It’s all under control.  It’s been very busy,  I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”;

“Can you do me a favor” he asked.

I said “Of course, What is it?”;

“Pick up the pace a little.  I’m in the foursome behind you.”

FAMOUS INVENTIONS – The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS – When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, ‘I’m not going down in dere yust for 50 cents.’

THAT’S HER! – A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ‘Yep, dat’s her!’

VE COULDN’T AFFORD MORE – Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. “The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400″ said the first Norwegian. ” Vell ,” said the other one , ” At dat price it’s a good ting ve didn’t catch any more.”

THE RELATIONS – Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.  One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ” Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations? ” h e asked. ” Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know, ” replied Lena .” I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.”

MUSIC SOLUTION – Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.” ‘Oh,” said Ole, ” I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet. ” ” How come? ” asked Lars.” Vell,” Ole answered, ” because vith a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

THE PRANK CALL – The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers . ” Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here ” he saysand hangs up. ” Who vas dat? ” asks Lena . ” I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

HONEYMOON TRIP – On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, ” ‘Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to. ” So Ole drove to Duluth.

GO TO TOWN – Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota .  The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole’s said, “Ole…What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You’re naked. ” “Yah, I know, ” said Ole . ” You see, I vas over to dat playboy Swen’s for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us.  Der vas boys and girls.”  ” Is that right? “, his policeman friend asked. ” Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, ‘Everybody get into the bedroom!’  So vee all go into the bedroom….where den he yells, ‘Everybody git naked!’ ‘Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, ‘Everybody go to town!’ And, well, I guess I’m the first one here. “

1) “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.” – Lynn Lavner

2) “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

3) “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone

4) “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

5) “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

6) “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)

7) “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

8) “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, men are just grateful. – Robert De Niro

9) “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” –Dustin Hoffman

10) “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” – Jerry Seinfeld

11) “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

12) “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

13) “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. “- Steve Martin

14) “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.” – Elmo Phillips

15″Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde