This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily but she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned big Jim and the twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

A thief in Paris made plans to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured just two blocks away after his van ran out  of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error of not having gas in his van, he replied,

‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole  the paintings.’

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.’ 

Now, do you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else?

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

Scroll down if you need to see the answer.

This song was popular in the 60’s and we could all dance to it.
Can you name the song, just by looking at the picture?

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You’ll kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!

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You’ve got to think about it

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Sung by Andy Williams!!

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MOONRIVER!!!!!

Hey, don’t blame me. I’m just forwarding this to those whose sense of humor I believe is as warped as mine.

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40’s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn’t far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service were good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a High School teacher. |

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-xxx punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Marine veteran, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. With a strong breeze blowing, it made his tie flap.  He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead Silence. The rest of the year went smoothly.

SEMPER FI

Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a very private golf club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady gazes at his manhood and says ‘He’s not my husband either!’

After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s not even a member of this club’.