Carl and Rosanne lived  in Aitkin Minnesota. It was early winter and the lower portion of their lake had frozen over.

Carl asked Rosanne if she would walk across the frozen part of the lake to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won’t mind.”

So Rosanne, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, “Carl, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey’s store … so why didn’t you just give me some money?”

Carl replied, “Well, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!”

A love story like this almost brings tears to one’s eyes……???

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …

2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese… FINE, it was a pizza… I ate a pizza …

3. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.

4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web…

5. I don’t mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it…

7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it… when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel…

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me…

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this …

11. I love being over 70 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others…

12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him…

13. My dentist told me I need a Crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks” …

14. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day…

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men:

“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

AND YOU  THOUGHT I COULD NOT SEND YOU A SMILE TODAY

This is too funny not to share … Who says Dads can’t think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids. 

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies,”  No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

(YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,’Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

If you don’t send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world! 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

• Warnings:
  The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit! Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Zin.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

The following are called paraprosdokians. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous:

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If  you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality  is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Behind  every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I  was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I  was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If  tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.