To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing pictures for you at the bottom of this note.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

One day while riding his Harley a biker ran into God.  After a bit, God asked what was the one thing in the world he would want ?  The biker thought for a moment and said; God, I would like a highway from California to Hawaii so that I can ride my Harley all the way.  God replied that it would be extremely difficult – 4,000 to 5,000-foot pilings and more.  So God asked, what his second wish would be?  The biker thought a little and said, God, I would like to know how women think and act.  God considered that request for a moment and replied, do you want two lanes or four!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. 

“Hello?” 

“Mrs. Sanders, please.” 

“Speaking.” 

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.” 

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders. 

“Normally we could have, but the new Kathleen Wynne health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now? ” 

“The folks at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off, somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it: “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said,  “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Miffed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.” “Rubbish” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.” What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 

Golf – You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 

Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip … your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 

A ‘gimme‘ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers … neither of whom can putt very well. 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 

Golf‘s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.  

If your best Golf  shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game. 

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 

Golf is like marriage, if you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs’ Golf bags, is the pencil.

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.” His wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart” and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was a bogey five and that’s OK, but I think we can do better.” To which she replied, “Listen asshole, don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

Quickie #1 One day, Bob came got home from work, and was greeted at the door by his wife who was dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up, and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door, and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh, my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is a husband.

Quickie #4 A recent Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied. “I know the guy.”

Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back of the room. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! Oh, I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Quickie #7 Fifty years ago, Fred , a Michigan mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Fred ever since.