Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – Most Of Our Generation Of 60+ Were HOME SCHOOLED In Many Ways.
1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3.My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4.My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7.My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
“Stop acting like your father!”
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
“Just wait until we get home.”
17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19.My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20.My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
“You’re just like your father.”
23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
25.My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
While the over 60 crowd will be able to identify with these statements, many of the younger ones will not believe we were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…
Day Brightener – Actual Quotes Taken From Employee Performance Evaluations
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
- “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
- “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
- “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
- “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
- “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
- “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
- “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”
- “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
- “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
- “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
- “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
- “He’s been working with glue too much.”
- “He would argue with a signpost.”
- “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
- “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
- “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
- “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
- “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
- “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
- “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
- “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
- “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
- “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
- “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
- “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
- “One neuron short of a synapse.”
- “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
- “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”
- “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
Friday Frivolity – The Shortest College Paper
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The story had to contain the following three things:
- Religion
- Sexuality
- Mystery
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
“Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it.”
Day Brightener – Signs Of Maturity
I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers; now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom “the John” and renamed it “the Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to “the Jim” this morning
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press 1 for English, when you’re just going to transfer me, to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.
Day Brightener – The Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”
“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?”
“That one was a Republican”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”
Day Brightener – Why A Woman Thinks Men Are Seldom Depressed
Men Are Just Happier People —
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it And to the men who will enjoy reading it. Men Are Just Happier People
Day Brightener – Service Finally Defined!
I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
Loren Berg's Blog 