A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a Colt .45 with an eight shot clip and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo”
Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – Three Vignettes To Start The Week
LITTLE PIANIST
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. How did you get that?”
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.”
The genie says, “OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted.”
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
WALKS INTO A BAR… DOUBLE VODKAS
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
WALKS INTO A BAR… KARATE CHOP
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, “That was a karate chop from China.”
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, “Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
Day Brightener – Sometimes Age And Experience Out Does Others Exuberance
Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me,” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 79 years old, and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.” “I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun
Friday Frivolity – More Dear Abby Only This Time With Answers
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don’t work.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you”?
RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you’ve heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
Day Brightener – Want to know who is voting ? – I hope it’s not these people!
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
(You can’t make up this stuff)
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language, and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Day Brightener – Questions That Haunt Me!
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVOURITE………
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
Day Brightener – As Someone Else Might Have Said, “This Is Not A Love Story For Everyone.”
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied.’ Get your own fucking blanket.’
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
Loren Berg's Blog 