In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.” “Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. “He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark. “Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed “I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.” “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.” “I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.” “The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.” Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?

“No,” said the Lord. “Your Government beat me to it.”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card that’s in my desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

To some, this should bring back some memories of travel a long  time ago when 2 lane roads were boring!!!!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…… And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories ?If not, you’re merely young!!! If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! Have a great day!

Here’s one more I remember that was near Jefferson City, MO on 50 highway.

A MAN  A MISS
A CAR  A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE
Burma Shave

“The arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome fall.”

Cicero, 55 BC 

So, evidently we’ve learned nothing at all over the past 2,071 years.

More from Cicero. Again, regardless of the time, not much changes.

• Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory cannot make it acceptable. –Cicero
• There is nothing so absurd that it has not been said by some philosopher. – Cicero
• O, the times! O, the morals! – Cicero
• For there is but one essential justice which cements society, and one law which establishes this justice. This law is right reason, which is the true rule of all commandments and prohibitions. Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is necessarily unjust and wicked. – Cicero

He was a widower, and she, a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high–the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up the  courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes…yes I will!”

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.  Did she answer “Yes” or “No?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.  He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. “When I asked if you would marry me, how did you answer me?

“Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat

Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle-Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”