Wife – “Where have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey… but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife – “I want the truth, and I want it NOW !”

Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ….. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I’m in her room….clothes are flying …… the talking stopped….and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says5:30. …… I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ………… There. You wanted the truth….you got it.”

Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you!

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need … not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said,

-“Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, -“Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, -“Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”

St. Peter said, -“Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, -“So, tell me.”

She said, -“Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder …”

St. Peter smiled and said, -“Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, -“Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted.

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven.

“Welcome,” St. Peter said. “You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket.”

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere.

Jake stepped on one right away.

The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman. “I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished,” St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. “As your punishment,” St. Peter told Johnny, “you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity.”

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by.

Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time.

“Wow!” exclaimed Billy. “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck.”

A very simple way to explain how politics works …

I told my son “I want you to marry a girl of my choice!

He said “NO!”

I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!

He said “OKAY!”

Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him “I want your Daughter to marry my son!”

He said “NO!”

Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!

He said “OKAY!”

Went to the President of the World Bank & told him To make my son CEO of the Bank!

He said “NO!”

Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!

He said “OKAY!”

That’s Exactly how Politics works.

Nunzio died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

“Ah well, Nunzio would be pleased,” she said. “You’re right,” replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “So go on, how much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Angelina. “Forty thousand.”

“Aw No!” Maria exclaimed, “I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!”

Angelina answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated 500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Maria computed quickly. “Mama Mia !!! For crying out loud Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?

(just remember this, guys….)