MEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Starter on the floorboard.
• Only one brake light on the left rear.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 8 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers
17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up? ‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up, ‘I informed him, All the food was slow   ‘C’mon, seriously.  Where did you eat?’ ‘It was a place called ‘home,’ I explained! ‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it. By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
• My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
• We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was & so was bread.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers, my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust their gut laughing.

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

1. “Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” – Arnold Palmer

2. “I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for, getting paid for doing what you love.” -Tiger Woods

3. “Stay true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to your dream.” -James Ross

4.  The Eraser…

image credit: pinterest

5. “If you worry about making bogeys, it makes the game that much more difficult. You put more pressure on yourself without even noticing it. It makes a difference to take it easy when things aren’t going right.” -Sergio Garcia

6. “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing!” -Anonymous

7. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” -P.G. Wodehouse

8. “The value of routine; trusting your swing.” -Lorii Myers

9. “A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” -Gary Player

10. “Arnold’s place in history will be as the man who took golf from being a game for the few to a sport for the masses. He was the catalyst who made that happen.” -Jack Nicklaus

11. “Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots.” -Dr Bob Rotella

12. “I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve.” -Sergio Garcia

13. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” -Bruce Crampton

14. “Achievements on the golf course are not what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.” -Tiger Woods

15. Player on a Good Player

image credit: pinterest

16. “One reason golf is such an exasperating game is that a thing we learned is so easily forgotten, and we find ourselves struggling year after year with faults we had discovered and corrected time and again.” -Bobby Jones

17. “For this game you need, above all things, to be in a tranquil frame of mind.” -Harry Vardon

18. “One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” -Peter Jacobsen

19. “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan

20. “Golf is a science, the study of a lifetime, in which you can exhaust yourself but never your subject.” -David Forgan

21. “I have found the game to be, in all factualness, a universal language wherever I traveled at home or abroad.” -Ben Hogan

22. “Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.” -Amy Alcott

23. “A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.” -Davis Love Jr.

24. “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer
25. “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -St Andrews Rotary Club Member

Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

During the life boat drill, a man has used his wife’s life jacket for his golf clubs.

‘Man, that is really devious of her. Making club covers of her and the kids to guilt trip you every time you golf.’

‘How sweet, he’s smiling. He must be dreaming about me.’

“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose” – Winston Churchill

I thought you would want to know  about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”
8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”

IT’S CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”

• Have I already sent this to you?
• Or did you send it to me?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle; “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” The first man replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea.” “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Ben Hogan
I play with friends, but we don’t play friendly games.

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don’t you?

As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Bob Allen
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don’t put into it.

Bobby Jones
Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.

Bob Hope
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.’

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Byron Nelson
The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you’ve had already.

Dave Hill
The golf swing is like sex. You can’t be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.

Gary Player
The harder you work, the luckier you get.

Harry Tofcano
I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.

Jack Nicklaus
Golf is not and has never has been a fair game.

I think I fail just a bit less than everyone else.