The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only
allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice, Sam replied…. “The balcony.”

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” – Babe Ruth

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Winston Churchill

“When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading.” – Paul Horning

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” – H.L. Mencken

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – George Bernard Shaw

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C .- W.C. Fields

Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser. – Professor Irwin Corey

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! – Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned at around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off.” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

(P.S. – I didn’t see it coming either)

Is it a sin?
Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, it’s a crime any day of the week!

What’s the line caddy
On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course, a very careful player was studying the green. First, he got down on his hands and knees to check out the turf between his ball and the hole. Then he flicked several pieces of grass out of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of the wind. Then turning to his caddie he asked:

“Was the green mowed this morning?”

“Yes, sir.” “Right to left or left to right?”

“Right to left, sir.”

The golfer putted… and missed the hole completely. He whirled on the caddie, “What TIME?”

The worst caddy
Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Heaven & Earth
“I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,” sighed Mac, the golfer.

“Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”  They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What’ll it be, gentlemen?” There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.  

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.” The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. 

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?” 

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime.  Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow!  That’s some story!” one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?” 

The bartender says, “They’re retirees from Florida.  They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they have coupons.”

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.  How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country 

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”