A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” asked the defendant.

“Oh no!” said the lawyer. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them,” said the lawyer.

“But I did send them,” said the defendant.

“What?? You did?”

“Yes, that’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M  A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~  Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.  ~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical. ~ Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hanwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy,  it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

“The world could be divided between those who take hard things and make them easy, and those who take easy things and make them harder.”

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.  (I’m past 75). 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her: “Do you think I’ll live to be 85?”

She asked:  “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,”  I replied. “I don’t do any drugs, either!”

Then she asked:  “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said:  “Not much … My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t”, I said.

She asked:  “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No”, I said.

She looked at me and said:  “Then, why do you even give a shit?”

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.  About a week later he received a letter that his application had been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, sir, my name is Mac Tavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot:  Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.