Airport Full Body Scan Status Report
Finally, some useful facts are coming out of all those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
CATSA disclosed the following   Airport Screening Results

December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered –  0

Transvestites – 133

Hernias – 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases – 3,172

Enlarged Prostates – 8,249

Breast Implants -59,350

Natural Blondes – 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you’d like to know.

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on  some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of  caviar, a bottle of spring-water and three cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.  He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.  Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they’d cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.  ‘So, how’s your sex life?’ ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’ ‘Pension sex?’ ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.’ ‘My dear,’ the  shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.’ ‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’ She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small’, $6,500 for ‘medium’,  and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him o talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, ‘When you die, I’m getting You a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.’

‘Yeah,’ she  replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’ ‘

WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’ He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found  her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92 if he could have sex…he could also fly.’

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant  neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which  are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons!!

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale.  Only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.  A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

That’s him, there in Aisle 5.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”  The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………

  “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond  formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally  took an interest in all the activity going on next Door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the  girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she  had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” 

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.