My wife and I were married for 50 years. One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for an elderly man who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”  “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure am not,” said the calm as a clam man.

 “Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the man.

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied,  “Been married to your sister for over 40  years.”

A Twist! Would the story be more interesting if the man were Bill Clinton?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery     and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the     anesthesia,     he asked to speak  to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son;    do your best, and just remember,     if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true.I love to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”
———————————
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place  !!)
———————————
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why    I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way     and some of the roads weren’t paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
——————————-
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*********
First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
““““““““
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a   coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,     blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,     — let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you  –  stick around awhile . . . it will !

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don’t mess with old people

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked:

“Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield.”

“The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”  

“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.”

C’mon…did you really think there was such a thing as a heart –warming lawyer story?

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever : Is a woman’s way of saying ?@*!# YOU! ?

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true. (This was written by a woman)

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney,and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.”

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’tyah?”

Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah know?”

Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”