A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona; the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

My son was flunking out of college so i told him,, “you will marry the girl I choose.” he said, “no.”I told him, “she is Bill Gates’ daughter.” he said, “yes.”

 I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “no.” I told Bill Gates, “my son is the CEO of the world bank.” Bill Gates said, “yes.”

 I called the president of the world bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “no.” I told him, “my son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “yes.” 

And that’s exactly how politics works.

And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. this practice remains unbroken to this day.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

”When I’m good I’m very good, when I’m bad, I’m even better.” – Mae West

The Oseberg cart, discovered in the Oseberg Ship, is the only complete Viking Age wagon ever found. The ship, dating from the mid 9th century, is considered one of the most lavish relics of a Viking burial. It was discovered in a burial mound in Oseberg, near the Oslo Fjord in Norway. The wagon is made of beech and oak and is about two meters long and one meter wide. The wagon box, which sits loosely on the chassis, is decorated with men’s heads and people fighting snakes and strange animals. This discovery provides valuable insights into the craftsmanship, culture, and lifestyle of the Vikings during that era. It’s a testament to the advanced woodworking skills and artistic sensibilities of the Viking people.

The Second Class Saloon Nome, AK. July 1st, 1901

The “Three Lucky Swedes” – Jafet Lindeberg, Erik Lindblom, and John Brynteson – who stumbled upon a lucrative gold deposit on Anvil Creek in 1898 ignited a frenzied gold rush to the area. Word of this extraordinary find swiftly traversed the Klondike gold fields during that winter, leading to the establishment of Anvil City by 1899, a settlement that proudly housed a population of 10,000.

However, the real excitement was yet to unfold. In 1899, rumors circulated about gold concealed in the beach sands, attracting the world’s attention beyond. This triggered a massive stampede, with thousands of fortune seekers going to Nome from distant ports like Seattle and San Francisco. The landscape transformed as tents sprouted across the vast expanse, stretching along the 30-mile stretch between Cape Rodney and Cape Nome. Driven by determination, Pioneers began constructing structures from finished board lumber as early as 1899.

The zenith of Nome’s bustling mining town occurred in the early 1900s, marking its ascendancy as Alaska’s largest city. While estimates suggested a population of 20,000, the official 1900 record reported an impressive figure of 12,488. Notably, one-third of all recorded white inhabitants of Alaska called Nome home, as per the U.S. Census.

Unfortunately, the grandeur of Nome’s gold rush architecture was marred by the ravages of fire and the fury of violent storms. Little remains of that captivating era today, but the surviving remnants bear traces of the ornate Victorian style that charmed many during the gold rush.

Presently, the resilient inhabitants of Nome have diversified their livelihoods, no longer dependent solely on gold panning and rocking. The legacy of the gold rush endures, albeit as a fraction of the vibrant tapestry that comprises Nome’s captivating history. Over the past century, a rich flow of people and events has shaped the contemporary community of Nome. Explore more about the historic Nome to delve deeper into its intriguing past.

#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”  And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”.  “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.  She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

#4
I’ve sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart??”  “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

#7
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER: 

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck and cut him off couple of times. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so fucking funny.The blonde giggled and replied, “Every time you had your back turned, I stepped outside the circle!”

I’m sure that Burma Shave saved some lives. People laughed and then were more careful! It was a REAL “service” to America, even though it was an advertisement, and it was one of rh RARE “really useful” ones.

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4-line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Don’t Stick Your Elbow
Out So Far
It May Go Home
In Another Car. 
Burma Shave

Trains Don’t Wander
All Over The Map
‘Cause Nobody Sits
In The Engineer’s Lap. 
Burma Shave

She Kissed The Hairbrush
By Mistake
She Thought It Was
Her Husband Jake. 
Burma Shave

Don’t Lose Your Head
To Gain A Minute
You Need Your Head
Your Brains Are In It. 
Burma Shave

Drove Too Long
Driver Snoozing
What Happened Next
Is Not Amusing. 
Burma Shave

Brother Speeder
Let’s Rehearse
All Together
Good Morning, Nurse. 
Burma Shave

Cautious Rider
To Her Reckless Dear
Let’s Have Less Bull
And A Little More Steer.
Burma Shave

Speed Was High
Weather Was Not
Tires Were Thin
X Marks The Spot.
Burma Shave

The Midnight Ride
Of Paul For Beer
Led To A Warmer
Hemisphere.
Burma Shave

Around The Curve
Lickety-Split
Beautiful Car
Wasn’t It?
Burma Shave

No Matter The Price
No Matter How New
The Best Safety Device
In The Car Is You.
Burma Shave

A Guy Who Drives
A Car Wide Open
Is Not Thinkin’
He’s Just Hopin’
Burma Shave

At Intersections
Look Each Way
A Harp Sounds Nice
But It’s Hard To Play.
Burma Shave

Both Hands On The Wheel
Eyes On The Road
That’s The Skillful
Driver’s Code.
Burma Shave

The One Who Drives
When He’s Been Drinking
Depends On You
To Do His Thinking.
Burma Shave

Car In Ditch
Driver In Tree
The Moon Was Full
And So Was He.
Burma Shave

Passing School Zone
Take It Slow
Let Our Little
Shavers Grow.
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you’re merely a child…

If they do…..then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! I loved reading them….send to an old GOAT that you know …bring a smile to a retired person..