An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

One day two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, found themselves adrift in a lifeboat on Lake Superior. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and
 suddenly, a genie came forth. This Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three.

Without thinking, or consulting Sven, Ole immediately blurted out, ‘turn the entire lake into Schmidt beer’.
The genie clapped his hands with a
 deafening sound, and immediately Lake Superior turned into Schmidt beer and
 just as quickly the genie
 vanished.

Now only the gentle lapping of beer on the
 hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their new circumstances.
 Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish
 had been granted, and after a long tension-filled moment, Sven said, “Nice going Ole!
 Now we’re going to have to pee in
 the  boat.”

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping “Washington” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins.” It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of mismanagement, poor leadership, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football!

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.

“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home.  In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s.   The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.  When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the  Englishman, “At my local the Red Lion in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said  Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.  “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not me self, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

You know how we always say we are there? Well, I finally found it. Somehow you just always knew it was out there…somewhere.

Now, if I could only find my paddle…..

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered

 “Gold Medal -All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

 And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

AND YOU THOUGHT  I  COULDN’T SEND YOU A SMILE TODAY….

I had amnesia once — or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Roman Catholic.

I am neither for nor against apathy.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help groups?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?