THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

Benjamin Franklin > Quotes

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.” (Editor’s Addition – A corollary – I can keep a secret but I not sure those I tell can?)

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.”

“He that can have patience can have what he will.”

“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

“You may delay, but time will not.”

“Fear not death for the sooner we die, the longer we shall be immortal.”

“Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.”

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”

“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.”

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

“How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, His precepts!”

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80  miles per hour , sir .” The driver says,  “Gee, officer, I had it on  cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says:  “Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have  cruise control”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”

His wife smiles demurely and says,  “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal  radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

“Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says,  “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine. “

The driver says,  “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. ”

His wife says,  “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,    “WILL  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? “

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,  “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ”

(You will love this part)

“Only when he’s been drinking!”

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

“Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)

“Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf  when she suffered a bee sting.  

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Prior to her trip to America, Carol (a blonde chick from England ), confided to her coworkers and friends she had three goals for her trip;

• She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Q.
• She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo…And…
• She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

‘Let me tell you, they have beef to die for, and when they Bar-B-Q it, the taste is unbelievable!’

‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes…Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’

Then came the big question, ‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’

‘Are you kidding me? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my freakin’ mind!’

Brought to you by:

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispered to the wife, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?  The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies .. Awards tarnish …  Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money … or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

Pass this on to those people whom you keep close in your heart. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia !”

“Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!”

An easy mistake if you are not from Minnesota. (or Wisconsin) 

Most Golfers Will Recognize This One