A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.  “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay.  It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

• How does Moses make tea?…….. Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again?……. Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home……. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then…….. I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me,…… The crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have,……. A Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, …….but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but………. It was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic……… It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage……. Are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says,……. He can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, ……..and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, ……..but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die,…….. They barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…….. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. ……… It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? ……… They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first………. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because……. She couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection,…… Urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are…….. Pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?……. A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy…….. Marx.
• ll the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen…….. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because…. I kneaded dough.
• Velcro …… What a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’ The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy cow,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’ ‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?’ ‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.?’ ‘

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’ ‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssst’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’ ‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy. ‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over’ reported the parrot. ‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’

‘Yes.’ ‘Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’

‘I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!’

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day….

A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.

As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.

This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.

They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, “This is the girl of my dreams!” So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.

They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.

The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn’t let things go too far and he drives her home.

This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can’t take it any more.

“I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven’t been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!”

“Darling,” she says, “I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!”

His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She’s convinced he’s going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, “And all this time you’ve been playing from the red tees?”

Can You Spend 100% of Your Time Seeking A New Full Time Job While Keeping and Getting Paid By Your Current Full Time Job?  Sounds Ridiculous doesn’t it.  But that is just what politicians do all of the time. And this is not one party or the other, they all do it.  Further good news, the loser got to keep his current high paying job. Depending on the cycle the candidates for either or both of the major parties, and in some cases for minor parties, who are sitting politicians will be running for president or senator or representative while holding another public office without resigning from their current post. Particularly with the presidency or a U. S. Senate seat the demands of seeking that office are such that the candidates have no option but to spend 100% – actually more time than most spend on a full-time job – of their time on the stump.

Just another example of the “exalted” class.  They get better health care, better pensions, regularly exempt themselves from many of the rules we have to abide by and actually think they deserve it. What ever happened to public service being something one did for a short period of time and then returned to private life?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degres west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”