The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry mid-term. 

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Avocados
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” Note: If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”.

The Phone.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…” “What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

He Must Pay…
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then he made the earth round… and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Sex At 79
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,  informing me that I can have sex at 79. I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!
~~~~~

Answering machine message
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
~~~~~

Thoughts That Help Define Things

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses  without your glasses.
~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”
~~~~~

For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us….Go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us… Pass this on!

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s; he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn’t. So I drank it too.

 I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had him try Ireland’s finest, that rare Redbreast.

He wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced, I could hardly push his stroller back home.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don’t live in Indonesia)
(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
(Is this a great country or what?)
Well,…. not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Take the dog for a walk.’

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner and theatre evening.  We turned on a ‘night light’, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard.  We phoned the local taxi company and requested a cab.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.  As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.  We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot.  My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother”.

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.  “Sorry I took so long”, I said, as we drove away.  “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out.  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard.  She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again”!

The silence in the taxi was deafening.