OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man  explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between Her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’ 

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

If you have an iPad Air or iPad Air 2 and are looking for a keyboard I suggest that you give the Brydge keyboard a look especially as Brydge has a nice discount, $129.00 vs. the $160.00 I paid earlier, and the offer is good from now until the end of November. You can find more about the offer by Clicking Here.

I have been using the Brydge keyboard with my iPad Air 2 since last December and below is a review I posted about the product last January. In the interim, my assessment of the Brydge Keyboard has not changed; love it and use it most days. I might add that the company has great customer service. There are two little “bumpers” in the lower left and right corners to keep the display for touching the wrist rest. One of these popped out and did not want to stay when replaced. I sent an email to the company and in a few days, considering they were coming from Singapore, a few replacements arrived. So, not only could I replace the recalcitrant one but I have a few in case it happens again. By the way, I have no financial or other interest in the company.

Here is the earlier review.
Well lighter and thinner is great but that meant that my keyboard case for the iPad 3 was not going to work. I first ordered a Belkin Keyboard Case for the iPad Air 2 similar to the one I had for the iPad 3 but returned it because the keyboard backlighting did not work. In the interim I saw a glowing review from Joanna Stern of the Wall Street Journal on the Brydge keyboard for the iPad Air. (They have models for most of the iPad models.) While it is a little pricer – $160.00 vs. $149.00 for the Beklin – I ordered one. The current model is for the first iPad Air which is a little thicker than the iPad Air 2 but Brydge supplies replacements for the shims that hold the iPad Air 2 securely. Bear in mind, the Brydge is not a keyboard case it is a keyboard that has two extended hinges that hold the iPad (see the image above) so the back of the iPad is not covered. That, and probably the price, are the only issues with the product. The keyboard itself is without a doubt the best one for an iPad I have seen. It is not quite as large as the keyboard on my MacBook Air but touch typing is a breeze. Key spacing is good and the feel is that of a real keyboard. Couple that with three levels of keyboard backlighting and a range of 135 degrees in display placement plus no issues with the iPad slipping or flopping around when typing on your lap and this is a winner.

One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murph finally makes his first hole-in-one.

Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him. The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.”

The Irishman replies, “Can ye’ make me pecker a wee bit longer.”

“Done” says the leprechaun.

By the 14th hole the Murph can tell something is happening.

By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.

By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.

By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.

By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.

After completing his round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.

He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.

The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun
back.

The Irishman takes 2 buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting. After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.

The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.

The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.”

Murph’s request, “Can ye’ make me legs a wee bit longer.”

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead . 

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead . 

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . .. . Dead.  

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive … 

So the Minister asked the congregation,  “What did you learn from this demonstration?” 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!” 

That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day. Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… Just as I’ve done. “Hang in there sunshine, you’re special!”

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “Wow,  just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

She then hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “Nah…I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too – Will Men Never Learn!

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulate, at Bergen, Norway

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.

Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.

Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.

* * * * * * * * *

I must apologize.

I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post – 93 years ago.

This must have been caused by the Model T Ford’s emissions.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. 

I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out again is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I think another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any — if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

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EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on September 19th of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

“Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a good job?”

The second oldster replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot.

The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it hit me right in the testicles.”

The first old guy was confused and asked, “What does that have to do with your dentures?”

“It was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”