An Uncomfortable Truth

Our former Vice President called global warming an “Inconvenient Truth”. Global warming has now evolved to climate change because the warming idea was not holding up. Had he started with the change idea I could have agreed with him all along. Let’s face it our climate has changed continually since the beginning of time, so no change here and oh, by the way for vast preponderance of time humans had nothing to do with the changes. Given that, it is probably more than a little egotistical to think we can reorder things at this stage.

But today I want to talk about an “Uncomfortable Truth” – life is neither fair nor politically correct. By the way this also has been true since the beginning of time. We can pretend all we want that the dice come out of the cup of life evenly distributed but it doesn’t happen that way. Were that the case we would not have had a Picasso, Einstein, Madam Currie or the homeless guy on the corner. Some will be luckier, some smarter and others less so. Even though some are smarter they will not always apply themselves and therefore not capitalize on their advantage but conversely some not so gifted will bore in and exceed what might otherwise be expected of them. Some will be what I call “Members of the lucky sperm club” and be born to wealth and presumed power while others will come from modest, or even poor beginnings, and go on to accomplish far greater things than the members of the aforementioned club. On the other side of the equation are those that are born to poverty and even homelessness and struggle to, and often do not, break the cycle but even here we have more than a few that have risen above their early circumstances. I might add that most do not like my definition of fair – “Fair is when neither side is totally happy”. Think about it, if one side is ecclesiastically happy, the other side more than likely feels screwed. So let’s accept that life is not fair and while we do what we can to help those in need not get our shorts in a bunch as this plays out.

Gender and race! Even uttering either of these words one risks being branded as politically incorrect or worse. For starters there are only two genders – one is either male or female – and that is a biological certainty. While some may argue that their biological identity doesn’t describe them, I’m sorry you are either male or female and absent some fairly radical hormonal and surgical changes that does not change. (Even then one might argue that the changes are only superficial and under the covers nothing changes.) Now that we have that agreed let’s also agree that men and women are different and I am not only talking about their plumbing. By saying that I am not in any way intimating that one is better and the other worse just that men and women are different in the ways they approach and do many things. Similarly this does not mean that one is right and the other wrong just that they are different. As an aside, just because I would do something one way and you would choose to do it another does not necessarily mean that one of us is right and the other wrong; it generally means there is more than one way to reach the goal. Back to gender. Not only are these differences there, they are probably how the human race survived. Think about it in the context of building a team. The strongest teams are not composed of all with similar strengths and weaknesses but are made up of those with a mix of contrasting strengths and weakness were one members strengths offset the other weaknesses.

As one watches current events unfold it would be easy to think that everything that happens has a racial component. News flash – that is not the case. Believe it or not most of life goes on without any consideration of the racial mix of those involved. And when there are occurrences that make the nightly news that involve those of different races it does not mean that the racial differences caused or were in any way involved in the issue. Are they sometimes, sure, but for the most part those instances are the anomaly. That said, the almost constant focus on the anomaly’s in the media will tend, and does tend, to create the illusion that everything is that way and creates the feeling in some it is OK to act that way. By the way, it might help if instead of calling the actions in the riots looting we call it what it really is – robbery and arson. Do people tend to congregate with those similar to themselves – be it ethnic, racial, economic status or other reason – without a doubt but once again this has gone on forever and typically happens almost without any conscious thought. Is there still a racial divide – most certainly but I would argue that the continual focus on that as the reason for all that is wrong in the world only works to deepen the divide and does nothing to bring things together.

Expecting life to be fair sets one up for being continually disappointed. Being politically correct in my mind only provides a way to avoid discussing the real issues. And the good Lord only knows we have real issues to discuss. Be it gender inequality in compensation, how to solve the conundrum in the quality of education in the inner cities even though we spend more money per student there, rural vs. metro services availability, the current ISIS threat and on and on. No shortage here. But we can only expect real progress once we agree to take off the gloves, remove the varnish and in the words of a great philosopher – Take life on life’s terms.

Loren Berg

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on   him  about , ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

I am a Seenager (Senior teenager) .

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance (pensions).

I have my own pad.

I don’t  have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license (so far) and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.

Life is great.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:- What in the hell is that?

Jane:- A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene-: Where did you get it?…

Jane:- You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 85 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

“How are you, Grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Wonderful menus.  These young nurses really take good care of us.”

“What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?”

“Nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. And I go out like a light”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

“I’m told you’re giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis,” he says.  “Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister.  “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The hot chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW !”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. 

No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable!

BEAUTY PARLOR – A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS – The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE – A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST – Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST – Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF – Cold Storage.

INFLATION – Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO – An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET – A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON – A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE – The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW – One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN – An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES – Something other people have….similar to my character lines.

OLD – I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!!!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!   Why did you do that?’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my  favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things. 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.  

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian  family.”
No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face  me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen, Brother!!