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LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 6: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent – or some similar combination. LAW 7: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother-in-Law does not come close. LAW 8: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. LAW 9: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 10: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 11: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. LAW 12: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three. LAW 13: If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip. LAW 14: It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. LAW 15: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. LAW 16: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. LAW 17: It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 LAW 18: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. LAW 19: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. LAW 21: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard. LAW 22: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. LAW 23: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. LAW 24: Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a |
Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Get The Day Started
Security At The ATM
When this women goes to her ATM, she always brings along Smith and Wesson. She has never had any problems…..
Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter’s to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them “The one who knows how to fix elevators”.
I’m old, I’m tired, and I pee a lot.
Day Brightener – Here Is Your Chance To Pick On Your Least Favorite Football Team Or Teams
<Insert Your Least Favorite Team> coach on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
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Why do <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average <Insert Your Least Team> player get on his SATs?
Drool.
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How many <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
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How did the <Insert Your Least Favorite Team>football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
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Two <Insert Your Least Favorite Team>football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
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What do you say to a <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
“Will the defendant please rise.”
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If three <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
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How can you tell if a <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
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University of <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
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How is the <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former <Insert Your Least Favorite Team> football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Day Brightener – Their Last Fling
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to one of her girls, ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’
The gal does as she is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, ‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’
‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’ His friend says, ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’
‘A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?’ ‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’
Day Brightener -Clever Words for Clever People
ARBITRAITOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s - BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
- BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through
- AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do
- EYEDROPPER – Clumsy ophthalmologist
- CONTROL – A short, ugly inmate
- COUNTERFEITER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- ECLIPSE – What an English barber does for a living
- LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money
- HEROES – What a man in a boat does
- PARASITE – What you see from the Eiffel Tower
- PARADOX – Two physicians
- PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm
- POLARIZE – What penguins see through
- PRIMATE – Remove your spouse from in front of TV
- RELIEF – What trees do in the spring
- RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife
- SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does
- SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official
- PARADIGMS – Twenty cents
Day Brightener – How To Install A Home Security System
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of well-used men’s size 16 hunting boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several copies of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put some giant dog dishes on the front porch next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
“Burma,
Bertha & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house.
Best wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter”
Day Brightener – Zen Teachings
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.- No one is listening until you pass wind.
- Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
- Some days you are the dog, and some days you are the tree.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience … And most of that comes from bad judgment.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Day Brighteners – The Old Male Golfer And A Jab At Northern Climes
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue “Viagra” pill.
The pharmacist asked “How many?”
The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past seventy-five years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”
Day Brightener – The Nun And The Cabbie
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Loren Berg's Blog 