Possibly the funniest story in a while. Well, not for the bricklayer, that is. This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he’d have received a Darwin Award for sure….

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs 

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

 You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, 1973

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, Sep. 11, 1991

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

When turkeys mate they think of swans. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Did you know that Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? By the way, Nixon isn’t worried about the gas shortage and that’s understandable, of course. Everything’s downhill for him. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, 1973

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

If God didn’t want men to hunt, he wouldn’t have given him plaid shirts. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, “To forget what?” And he said he couldn’t remember. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”    

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him over here with $1,000”, the young Arkie says, “and I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 

“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his Father asks.    

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”    

“Read!?” says his Father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”    

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”    

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.

She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. “Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does”. “Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”    

The Father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”    

“That’s my boy!”    

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be! 

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona  when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.  “What in bag?” asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

‎The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade”.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 195 lbs. I’ve gained.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”..?

The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ …..If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday… Your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need…..not all this, “how did you get in my house” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today….Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. …This is upsetting news to me………… I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, ”  Sag Harbor .”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

An Engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that says “Get Treatment for $50. If not cured get back $100”.

A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100. He goes to the clinic and says, “I have lost my sense of taste.”

The engineer tells his nurse, “Bring the medicine from Box No. 22 and place 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

The patient (who is the doctor) spits out the medicine and says, “This is not medicine… it’s gasoline.”

The engineer says, “Congratulation! You have your taste back. That will be $50.”

Doctor gets annoyed… and returns after several days to recover his money. He tells the engineer, “Sir, I have lost my memory and can’t remember a thing.”

Engineer tells the nurse to bring medicine from Box No 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”

Doctor protested, “Wait just a minute! That medicine is for the sense of taste.”

Engineer responded, “Congratulation, sir. Your memory is back. That will be $50.”

Doctor leaves, but after several days, he angrily returns for one last try. Doctor says, “OK… my eyesight has become very weak.”

Engineer says, “Well I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $100.”

Doctor looks at the money… and says, “Wait a minute! This is only a $50 bill.”

Engineer says, “Well, congratulations to you, sir. Your eyesight has gotten better. That will be $50.”

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

The golfer described a typical day this way:

• “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
• Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
• Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
• Marched up and down several rocky hills,
• Stood in a patch of poison ivy,
• Crawled out of quicksand
• And took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”