The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven , which part of your body do you think goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said
Little Johnny raised his hand and said “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet? ”
Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming.’
I gotta’ tell you, if Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, “I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher.” The second blonde replies, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.”
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door Neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says “I’ve had enough of this”. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says “The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I’ve put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it.
One day, Jill’s husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.“I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” “Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit.” “Yes, and it’s lucky for you that you did,” said Jill, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!” The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. “Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?” “Ten,” said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. “Buffy,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!” “Yes,” said Buffy. “So did I.”
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn’t tell the two horses apart. The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?” The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”
A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.“No,” the man replied. “The seat is empty.”*
“This is incredible,” said the first man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”*
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”*
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take theseat?”
The man sadly shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”
25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
26. “I never said most of the things I said.”
27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”
30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”
31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated
David Feherty does a standup show that is quite spectacular. It’s all about his life in golf, the drinking and lots of stories about life on the tour. Here’s one of his stories.
It was back in the 70s and a very prominent golfer of the time was playing at Augusta for his first Masters…back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. This particular golfer told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed. He was assigned Floyd who said ” hello Mr. ………..”. The golfer said ” hello ” and ” that’s the last I want to hear.”
Everything went well until the 10th hole when the golfer pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4…after surveying the scene he said out loud….”I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and roll over the crest down near the hole”. Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said ” how’s that? “
The caddy spoke for the first time and said ” that wasn’t your ball.”
When we get older we think differently, don’t we? This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.
“What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.” “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
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