A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and “baptized” his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Confucius Say… Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say... Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say... Man with broken condom often called Daddy

Confucius Say... Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out….you lose interest.

Confucius Say... Viagra just like Disneyland … One hour wait for 5-minute ride.

Confucius Say. Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say... Joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don’t get it.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’ The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’ Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’ The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike. The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He    opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be  damned,’ Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat homely chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  “You’re kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?”  I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?”  She said “Yea”, I got a pen”.  I said, “Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you”.  Cost me 6 stitches.

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a  ****

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. “Really” she said, “Go on then…try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?” I said,  “Yesterday.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.” I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says … “I’m sleeping with the vicar’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after communion for me?”

The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After communion, he starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar…”My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says…”You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago “

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an ‘AH’ in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature.  The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the ‘AH’ and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an Arse Hole!”

Two months later they’re in court.  The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks, “Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an ‘AH’ underlined.”

“What does the ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” 

“Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.” 

“Aggressive and Hostile?” 

“Yes, Sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Arse Hole?”

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

 How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya’ doing, Billy Bob?” “Good grief, Cletus, ya’ scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

“But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

(Don’t make me come and ‘splain this to you!  Read the last line again, slowly.)