A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment….. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying….  That phrase…  In no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There  was stunned silence..  Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.‘
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.‘ (Loved this one!)
6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.‘ (Loved this one even more!)

While I don’t do may of these, this one from Dr. Tom was too good not to share. Enjoy!

Here’s a puzzle that has confounded even the brightest among us:

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Can’t figure it out? Don’t feel badly…the answer is elusive. See below :

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.  Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies:  “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison………………

JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?”

Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.” The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021 , Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”

ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one I’m going to marry?”

Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama. You’re right. How did you know?”

Mama replies: “I don’t like her.”

AN IRISHMAN’S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON…
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ” Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

” Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Who fucked up your hair?”

…..now if you got a laugh out of this please pass it on to someone else…I did….still laughing.