I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my
iPad.”

I can tell you this… that freaking fly never knew what hit him…

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.

“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replies.

“Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” says his father.

“Okay.” stuttered the boy.

“Dear Lord…Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work. AMEN.”

Dinner was cancelled

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. “I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation.

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.

And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man in the burn unit – he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ‘1-2-3’ and Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and, on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.  Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do..”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob:   “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat  left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.’

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’ The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’  He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’  Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it — sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
“Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…Once again, I did not research each one to make certain that it came from Will Rogers but as before they sound right and ring true.

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages the USA has ever known. I did not research each of them to make certain they came from him but they sound right and are good advice anyway.

• Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
• There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.