A​ dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked​ together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back​ and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

A passenger in a taxi reached forward and gently tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, nearly veered into the ditch and came to a stop just short of a building.

The shaking driver said are you OK? I am so sorry, you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger said “I’m sorry, I did not realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone that much.

The driver said “No No it is me that is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I spent 25 years driving a hearse.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life after death at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Kris, Kris, can you hear me?”

“Is that you, Frank?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you’d be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.

“Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?”

“No — I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied,”Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Catholic Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Lutheran Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO
LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!”

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.” “Yaa,” Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say

“Bridge out!”

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, “HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?”

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, “NO,… I NEVER DID DANCE… NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.”

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID “WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU’RE GONNA DANCE NOW,” AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN’S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR — NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF –STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN’S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, “SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE’S ASS?”

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, “NO M’AM… BUT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

A sign in a shoe repair store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment Necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down,
I’ll remember it.”

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like
a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text
back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

12. At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and
remembering what I came in there for.

Billy Bob and Bubba Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m takin’ Earlene with me.”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.