A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork. The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies. Dad asks, “What movie did you watch? Son says, “Toy Story. The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn. Dad says, “What?” At your age I didn’t even know what porn was”. The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son”. The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD ‘S EXPLANATION
TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!!

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in:
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Alaska
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Coastal Alabama
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Coastal Mississippi
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Coastal Texas
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North Dakota
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Wyoming
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Colorado
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
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And Texas

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Our dipstick is located in the White House!
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Any Questions? NO? Didn’t think So.

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at MCDONALDS. “My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad; can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you”, said one elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully, “Thank God we can all still drive.”

The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican . After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, “Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Starbucks man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

“My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord ,and it must not be changed.”

The Starbucks guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

“There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.

“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonder Bread account!

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.”Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1.  ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father.  “Important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me overseas and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. “You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep”, said the father, Cheap ones too!”

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the folks. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. 

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!” 

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought….well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, ‘Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at  least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there….on the couch….naked.