A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast in Australia when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, ‘Are you going to the Gold Coast?’

‘Sure,’ answered the blonde, ‘do you need a lift ?’

‘Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I’ ll give you $100 for your trouble.’

‘I’d be happy to,’ said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. ‘What the heck are you doing here ?’ he demanded, ‘I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.’

‘Yes, I know you did,’ said the blonde,’ but we had money left over — so now we’re going to SeaWorld.

Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied. 
”Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say. 
”Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny.This guy is hilarious… 

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins. 

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.   

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns. 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk. 

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives. 

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. 

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children. 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. 

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children. 

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children. 

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.. 

As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California . Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)  

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress. 

This post is one I redo periodically partly because of its relevance today and on a personal level because Jefferson is one of my favorite presidents.  An interesting postscript is that both Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826.

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. – John F. Kennedy – Remarks at a Dinner Honoring Nobel Prize Winners of the Western Hemisphere.

HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW??????

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered..’

If a man cuts his finger off while 
slicing salami at work, 
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day 
for 40 years and die of lung cancer, 
your family blames the   tobacco company

If your neighbor crashes 
Into a tree while driving home drunk, 
he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are 

brats without manners, 
you blame television

If your friend is shot by a 
Deranged madman, 
You blame the gun manufacturer

And if a crazed person breaks 
Into the cockpit and 
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers 
kill him instead, 
The mother of the crazed deceased 
blames the airline

I must have lived too long to 
understand  the  world 
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my   OLD WRINKLED ASS 
Is parked   in front of this computer, 
I want all of you to 
Blame Bill Gates.

Have a Nice Day!

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.   

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks...  

3. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

4. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND…

5. I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate: A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 

On the first day, God created the dog, and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey, and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow, and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans, and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “you asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

My Neighbor
My 
neighbor; she’s single, she’s
 shapely, she’s 
beautiful and she lives right 
across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this 
evening.  I was 
surprised
 when she walked across the street, up my driveway 
and
 knocked on the
 door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I
 just got home, and
 I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, 
get drunk, and
get laid tonight.  Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, 
”Nope, I’m free!”
 “Great,” she said. “Can you watch 
my
 dog?” 
Being a senior citizen, 
really sucks!

The Pharmacist
A woman asked the pharmacist, “Do you sell Viagra? “Yes we do,” he answered. She asked, “Does it work?” “Yes it does,” he answered. She said, “Can you get it over the counter?” 

”I can, if I take two,” he replied.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash………twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
• The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
• Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call “customer service” in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate – their computer!

A foursome of men waited at the men’s tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them — taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.  Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.