Grandma is eighty-nine years old and still drives her own car.   She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’ What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars   and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. So seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the misses.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, “Nope.”  Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.  Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW???” 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different?  It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” 

Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES.

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “Should have bought a new golf hat, Bert.”

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.      

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 

 ‘Who are you?’ he asked him. 

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.      

‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied. 

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:    “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around.   I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later Bob gets a second text: “I really should use spell check! That should be “WiFi”.”

Phone rings, woman answers.  

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?”

Woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf – who shall I say is calling?

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.   “Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect.   Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A Lanark schoolteacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Willy at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the woods, I presume that…

The teacher interrupts him and says, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”

Willy says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the woods with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

1. Once upon a time, all the villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer, all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That’s FAITH

2. When you toss your baby girl in the air, she laughs, because she knows you will catch her.

That’s TRUST

3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning. But still we set the alarms to wake up.

That’s HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That’s CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.

That’s LOVE

6. On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence: “I am not 80 years old…I am a “sweet 16”…with 64 years experience”!

That’s ATTITUDE

Have a happy day and live your life like the above six stories!  Faith; Trust; Hope; Confidence; Love and ATTITUDE!

It’s hard, but doable.

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing,   the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work”  and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded,  “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man. Super heroes don’t wear capes, they wear Dog Tags

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”