A man and a woman were out having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table – but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man looked up calmly and said, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in.”

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across the high bridge over the Houston Ship Channel. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. (“fixin to” in Texas means getting ready to!)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, Please don’t jump! Think of your dear mother and father.

He replied, My mom and dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.

She said, “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.

He replied, I’m not married, and I don’t  have any kids.

She said, “Well, then you just remember the Alamo.

He replied, ‘What’s the Alamo?’

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! – You just go ahead and jump…. you little, Yankee, Democrat Sonofabitch…You’re holding up traffic

• When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
• Oh I wouldn’t dare; she’s only sixteen……..
• I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
• Duct tape won’t fix that.
• Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
• We don’t keep no guns in this house.
• You can’t feed that to the dog.
• No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
• Wrestling is fake.
• We’re vegetarians.
• Do you think my gut is too big?
• I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
• Honey, we don’t need another dog.
• Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
• Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
• I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
• The tires on that truck are too damn big.
• Y’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
• Unsweetened tea tastes better.
• My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
• I’ve got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
• Checkmate!
• She’s too young to be wearing that bikini.
• Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
• I don’t have a favorite football team.
• Youse Guys.
• Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY!

• Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I’VE HEARD THE “BEST BLONDE JOKE” EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS …

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it   “pasteurized?”

Wait for it … Wait for it …

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits … I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists:  
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  
 “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside 
the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Kill her.”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room. 
All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes .  “I tried, but
I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. 
She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, 
wiping sweat from her brow. 
 
 “The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

“This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance.”

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in !

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Greatness, that you’re looking for the word, ‘aunt’…”

“Of course,” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, “You wouldn’t have an eraser, would you?…”

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch!”

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

For us old people – Are We The Ones With Dementia? Are We The Ones Who Are Aging? Really!

One
Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. (Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

Two
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said  ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

Three
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)

Four
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’ Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked. ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took  the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over  there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’ PLEASE just  lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

Five
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the  photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!!

Six
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer…’ Dispatcher:  ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all  true…

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.  He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”