I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its décor.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…. I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless

GOTTA LOVE GRANDMA
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee.     “Yes, dear, I know that.    But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta Love Grandmas

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

BIOLOGY EXAM
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in  Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain.  I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer.  Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is aplomb.”

The British daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand.” “He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick” “I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

I’m sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to note pads. This one should get First prize…

I emailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing next to her, so I asked her, ‘If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal!’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my yard and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work himself and you just pay him the $50? ‘

I responded, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party!’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me…

A jet is making its final approach to St. Johns Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, ‘this is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into St. Johns Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the “ROCK”

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, ‘So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we’re on the Rock?’

‘Well,’ says the skipper, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel, take a big shit…..then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner…. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.’

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot’s talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: ‘No need to hurry, dear………….

He’s gotta land the plane and take a shit first.’

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.   A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed. But keep reading.

Still Think You’re Having A Bad Day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just Remember It Could Be Worse.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still Think You’re Having A Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still Think You’re Having A Bad Day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What? Still Think You’re Having A Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There Now – Feeling Better?

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages.” What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”