A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!

“Oh, my God!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards our.

With a big smile, he asks the others “In the U.S., we call that a mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland.

“After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting Three”.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

Did you hear the post office is  thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.

It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

 It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

 I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government  takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short trips any more for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.

If they think I’ll pay 30 cents  for a haircut, forget it.

Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids, too

“A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food,  free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place
does indeed already exist: It’s called Prison.”

Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Maricopa County, Arizona
Sheriff’s Office

• Arizona has 3,928 mountain peaks and summits, more mountains than any one of the other Mountain States (Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah, and Wyoming).
• All New England, plus the state of Pennsylvania would fit inside Arizona.
• Arizona became the 48th state and last of the contiguous states on February 14, 1912.
• Arizona’s disparate climate can yield both the highest temperature across the nation and the lowest temperature across the nation in the same day.
• There are more wilderness areas in Arizona than in the entire Midwest. Arizona alone has 90 wilderness areas, while the Midwest has 50.
• Arizona has 26 peaks that are more than 10,000 feet in elevation.
• Arizona has the largest contiguous stand of Ponderosa pines in the world stretching from near Flagstaff along the Mogollon Rim to the White Mountains region.
• Yuma, Arizona is the country’s highest producer of winter vegetables, especially lettuce.
• Arizona is the 6th largest state in the nation, covering 113,909 square miles.
• Out of all the states in the U.S., Arizona has the largest percentage of its land designated as Indian lands.
• The Five C’s of Arizona’s economy are: Cattle, Copper, Citrus, Cotton, and Climate.
• More copper is mined in Arizona than all the other states combined, and the Morenci Mine is the largest copper producer in all of North America.
• Clark Gable and Carole Lombard, two of the most prominent movie stars of Hollywood’s Golden Age, were married on March 18, 1939, in Kingman, Arizona.
• Covering 18,608 sq. miles, Coconino County is the second largest county by land area in the 48 contiguous United States.
• The world’s largest solar telescope is located at Kitt Peak National Observatory in Sells, Arizona.
• Bisbee, Arizona is known as the Queen of the Copper Mines because during its mining heyday it produced nearly 25 percent of the world’s copper and was the largest city in the Southwest between Saint Louis and San Francisco.
• Billy the Kid killed his first man, Windy Cahill, in Bonita, Arizona.
• Arizona grows enough cotton each year to make more than one pair of jeans for every person in the United States.
• Famous labor leader and activist Cesar Chavez was born in Yuma.
• In 1912, President William Howard Taft was ready to make Arizona a state on February 12, but it was Lincoln’s birthday. The next day, the 13th, was considered bad luck so they waited until the following day. That’ how Arizona became known as the Valentine State.
• When England’s famous London Bridge was replaced in the 1960s, the original was purchased, dismantled, shipped stone by stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, where it still stands today.
• Mount Lemmon, Tucson, in the Santa Catalina Mountains, is the southernmost ski resort in the United States.
• Rooster Cogburn Ostrich Ranch in Picacho, Arizona is the largest privately-owned ostrich ranch in the world outside South Africa.
• If you cut down a protected species of cactus in Arizona, you could spend more than a year in prison.
• The world’s largest to-scale collection of miniature airplane models is housed at the library at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University in Prescott, Arizona.
• The only place in the country where mail is delivered by mule is the village of Supai, located at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
• Located on Arizona’s western border, Parker Dam is the deepest dam in the world at 320 feet.
• South Mountain Park/Preserve in Phoenix is the largest municipal park in the country.
• Palo Verde Nuclear Generating Station, located about 55 miles west of Phoenix, generates more electricity than any other U.S. power plant.
• Oraibi, a Hopi village located in Navajo County, Arizona, dates back to before A.D. 1200 and is reputed to be the oldest continuously inhabited community in America.
• Built by Del Webb in 1960, Sun City, Arizona was the first 55-plus active adult retirement community in the country.
• Petrified wood is the official state fossil. The Petrified Forest in northeastern Arizona contains America’s largest deposits of petrified wood.
• Many of the founders of San Francisco in 1776 were Spanish colonists from Tubac, Arizona.
• Phoenix originated in 1866 as a hay camp to supply military post Camp McDowell.
• Rainfall averages for Arizona range from less than three inches in the deserts to more than 30 inches per year in the mountains.
• Rising to a height of 12,643 feet, Mount Humphreys north of Flagstaff is the state’s highest mountain.
• Roadrunners are not just in cartoons! In Arizona, you’ll see them running up to 17-mph away from their enemies.
• The Saguaro cactus is the largest cactus found in the U.S. It can grow as high as a five-story building and is native to the Sonoran Desert, which stretches across southern Arizona.
• Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court, grew up on a large family ranch near Duncan, Arizona.
• The best-preserved meteor crater in the world is located near Winslow, Arizona.
• The average state elevation is 4,000 feet.
• The Navajo Nation spans 27,000 square miles across the states of Utah, Arizona and New Mexico, but its capital is seated in Window Rock, Arizona.
• The amount of copper utilized to make the copper dome atop Arizona’s Capitol building is equivalent to the amount used in 4.8 million pennies.
• Near Yuma, the Colorado River’s elevation dips to 70 feet above sea level, making it the lowest point in the state.
• The geographic center of Arizona is 55 miles southeast of Prescott near the community of Mayer.
• You could pile four 1,300-foot skyscrapers on top of each other and they still would not reach the rim of the Grand Canyon.
• The hottest temperature recorded in Arizona was 128 degrees at Lake Havasu City on June 29, 1994.
• The coldest temperature recorded in Arizona was 40 degrees below zero at Hawley Lake on January 7, 1971.
• A saguaro cactus can store up to nine tons of water.
• The state of Massachusetts could fit inside Maricopa County (9,922 sq. miles).
• The westernmost battle of the Civil War was fought at Picacho Pass on April 15, 1862 near Picacho Peak in Pinal County.
• There are 11.2 million acres of National Forest in Arizona, and one-fourth of the state forested.
• Wyatt Earp was neither the town marshal nor the sheriff in Tombstone at the time of the shoot-out at the O.K. Corral. His brother Virgil was the town marshal.
• On June 6, 1936, the first barrel of tequila produced in the United States rolled off the production line in Nogales, Arizona.
• The Sonoran Desert is the most biologically diverse desert in North America.
• Bisbee is the Nation’s southernmost mile-high city.
• The two largest man-made lakes in the U.S. are Lake Mead and Lake Powell, both located in Arizona.
• The longest remaining intact section of Route 66 can be found in Arizona and runs from Seligman to Topock, a total of 157 unbroken miles.
• The 13 stripes on the Arizona flag represent the 13 original colonies of the United States.
• The negotiations for Geronimo’s final surrender took place in Skeleton Canyon, near present day Douglas, Arizona, in 1886.
• Prescott, Arizona is home to the world’s oldest rodeo, and Payson, Arizona is home to the world’s oldest continuous rodeo, both of which date back to the 1880’s.
• Kartchner Caverns, near Benson, Arizona, is a massive limestone cave with 13,000 feet of passages, two rooms as long as football fields, and one of the world’s longest soda straw stalactites: measuring 21 feet 3 inches.
• You can carry a loaded firearm on your person, no permit required.
• Arizona has one of the lowest crime rates in the U.S.A.

• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it….
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer !
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool …
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, apparently they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’? And that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ‘96,’ she replied: ‘Two years younger than me  ‘so you’re 98,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Not hardly worth going home, is it?’

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. ‘Wal-Mart?’  The preacher exclaimed ‘Why Wal-Mart?’  ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For  fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school

A man passed out on the beach in Naples , Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’

The Doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’  

More Differences

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators…YEP!!!

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!