Men Are Just Happier People —

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack…

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

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Men Are Just Happier People

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it …. and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

 When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

 The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather,  “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”   The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.” 

 The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”  The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

“Hello Sarge.”

“Yes.

“It looks like we have a homicide here. “

“What happened?”

“A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.”

“Have you placed her under arrest?

“No sir. The floor is still wet. “

Hope this helps you as much as it did me. I always try to help out my friends. I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:

• Internal Revenue ‘Service’
• U.S. Postal ‘Service’
•  Cable TV ‘Service’
•  Civil ‘Service’
• State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
•  Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

1.. A man comes into the ER and yells….’ My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. – Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient. – Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’ – Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’. I asked. ‘The patch… The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. – Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered . . … ‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’ – Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste’. Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry….had to mow the lawn

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. .

‘No doctor but the song you were whistling was ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’- Dr wouldn’t submit his name….

1 MORE

Baby’s First Doctor Visit – This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed,’ she replied… ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’ I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship   and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says  ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’  ‘Coming up’ says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says  ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says  ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies  ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor… Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’ and you answer:  ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’

When Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond, he used the word “manana”. (Pronounced “man-yana”).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means: “Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; maybe the next day; maybe the day after that; or perhaps next week; next month; next year, who really cares?”

The host turned to her other guest, Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri aboriginal tribe and asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

He replied: “In Australia we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.”

Joe, a supervisor in Minnesota, hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji.  He was skeptical about hiring Ole since he didn’t have any painting background.  But Ole appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really needed the job.  At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day shift would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road.  He was set up with brushes and paint and Joe got him started.  After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he’d painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him.  He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him.  His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work.  But he didn’t say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.  He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road.

Ole was called to the supervisor’s office and was asked what was the problem.  “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.  What’s the problem, Ole?”

 “Vell,” Ole replied, “I’ll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself.  Every day I’m getting farder and farder avay from da paint can.”

Ole was fired, but was able to move to Iowa and now works for the Iowa DOT.

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “you are right.”

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it’s not that important. Money is nice, but you can’t take it with you. Statistics show most people don’t live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn’t really ours; it’s on loan to us while we’re here …even our kids.

12. And finally…Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.