The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Vern! How ya doing?”  His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.  “Oh no,” says Vern.” He’s in my bowling league .” 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says…  “Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. “Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da….. ” “I didn’t ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!?”.

Paddy said, “Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…… “The solicitor interrupted again and said,”Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. “

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie”.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded; “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was

drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering

tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’…… I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?” “Now wot da fock would you say?”

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, “I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.”

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, “That’s very unhygienic!”

The Chief shrugs and replies, “Well, if that’s the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.” 

Let’s see how much you remember, and how many of these you can recall. Play fair, don’t cheat! Oh, you’ll need a piece of paper and a pencil to record your answers.

1. In the 1950s, if you had a flat rear tire, you often had to remove the?
a. Necker knob
b. Curb feeler
c. Fender skirt

2. What color flash bulbs did Dad use for color film?
a. Blue
b. Pink
c. Plaid

3. What was the parking brake called when you were a kid?
a. Emergency brake
b. Pull Stop
c. Breaker. Breaker.

4. Way before Air Jordan , what was a kids shoe of choice?
a. Buster Brown
b. PF Flyers
c. Old Stinkers

5. In what year did Dewey Defeat Truman according to the Chicago Tribune?
a. 1946
b. 1948
c. 1952

6.. Before the Orkin Man, what technology was part of most home bug deterrence?
a. Shoe Fly
b. Fly paper
c. 50 mm Phlit gun

7. Dixie cups had what printed on their tops?
a. Secret decoders
b. Movie stars
c. WW II propaganda slogans

8. What was the prevailing method of birth control in the 50s?
a. Heavy lifting and cold showers
b. Fear
c. Girdles and crinoline petticoats

9. Jimmy Durante said what at the end of every show?
a. Aloha, my friends.
b. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
c. Remember, wherever you go, my nose will get there first.

10. Popeye the sailor man; Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish, _ _ _ _ _ , Popeye the sailor man.
a. cause I eats me spinach
b. my dad was big and Finnish
c. the music a bit tinnish?

11. In the quaint greasy spoon jargon of yore, what did knock the horns off one, and drag it through the garden mean?
a. 86 the  customer, then kick him out the back door
b. Rare hamburger or steak with tomato and lettuce
c. Cooties

12. Lincoln Logs were for what use?
a. A diary of the presidency
b. Keep track of fat cats who sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom
c. Building toy structures

13. Ward and June bring what to mind?
a. A popular TV series called Leave it to Beaver
b. A Chicago family of butchers and knife sharpeners called The Cleavers
c. Inventors of the clicker, Jack Ward and Ernest June

14. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro are all forms of what?
a. Alcoholic beverages
b. Capitalism
c. Childrens play

15. What was the cheapest way to turn a bicycle into a motorcycle?
a. Baseball cards in the spokes
b. Rig an electric motor with a very long cord
c. Turning left into the path of a Harley

16. Tinker toys date back to when?
a.  1914
b. 1949
c. 1967

17. In grade school, what was the worst thing that could happen to you when being picked for a team?
a. Getting picked last
b. Getting your uniform dirty
c. Not having the team tattoo

18. If we dared to swear and our parents heard us, we immediately found out what _ _ _ tasted like.
a. Meatballs
b. Soap
c. Sarsaparilla

19. What was one thing the Lone Ranger and Roy Rogers would never do?
a. Kill someone
b. Shoot a squirrel
c. Eat lima beans

20. What convertible offered an optional radio that automatically increased its volume as the car accelerated?
a. 1912 Franklin
b. 1943 Jeep
c. 1957 Ford Thunderbird

Scroll down for answers………

ANSWERS

1. c) Fender skirts, attached to the rear fenders, covered fully half the wheel streamlining the car.

2. a) Blue

3. a) Emergency brake. We grew up in much more  dramatic times.

4. b) PF Flyers. BF Goodrich patented the Posture Foundation insole, an innovation in comfort and performance, and began adding the new technology to its action shoes. Goodrich shoes with Posture Foundation became known simply as PF in 1937. Fashion trends in the Forties and Fifties saw PF Flyers escaping gyms and ball fields to become fashionable active footwear for everyone. Everything you do is more fun with PF read one 1947 magazine ad. In 2001, New Balance acquired the rights to the brand.

5. b) It was November 3,1948, when Truman upset Republican Thomas Dewey in the first postwar presidential election. Trib publisher Col. Robt. R. McCormick got the news late..

6. b) Sticky fly paper  hanging from kitchen ceilings was common in American homes until insecticides like Flit became available in 40s.

7. b) Movie Stars Most people over 55 recall with nostalgia the Dixie Cup ice cream picture lids that appeared all over America from 1930 to 1954. In the final year, the lids were in 3D, full color, and styled in left and right action poses. These were used in stereo card viewers for the 3D effect.   http://www.go-star.com/antiquing/dixiecup.htm

8. c) This is a tough one, but the answer is girdles and crinoline petticoats.

9. b) Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

10. a) cause I eats me spinach

11. b) Rare hamburger or steak with tomato and lettuce. Other examples:
Axle grease: butter; Blowout patches: pancakes; Bowwow, barks, or groundhog: “hot dog; Baled hay: shredded wheat; Bessie: roast beef; Bessie in a bow:l stew; Cackle berries: eggs; Rabbit food: salad; Sinkers donuts; and Sweep the kitchen: hash.

12. c) Building toy structures.

13. a) A popular TV series called Leave it to Beaver, perhaps the most unrealistic, misleading and shallow depiction of family life ever produced for TV.

14. c) Childrens play.

15. a) Baseball cards in the spokes. Who among you never did this?

16. a) 1914 Good then, 1935 Good now, 2000 Good always, read the back cover of a 1935 Toy Tinkers catalog. Charles H. Pajeau and Robert Pettit, the founders of The Toy Tinkers of Evanston, Illinois, and the creators of the TINKER TOY construction set, knew that the Thousand Wonder  Builder would continue to inspire the imaginations of children because of its easy-to-use, yet versatile construction system. They are still made today, now by Hasbro.

17. a) Getting picked last. As an expert on this particular humiliation, I assure you that  getting picked last was far better than not getting picked at all.

18. b) Soap. Was this a regional thing? Where I grew up, spanking was the generally preferred method for punishing any childhood misdemeanor. We wouldn’t have known a time out to save our lives.

19. a) Kill someone. I cant remember ever seeing the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or other cowboy heroes actually kill someone. They would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand. there was no blood, no violence, just folks wondering who that masked man was.

20. c) 1957 Ford Thunderbird. Hard one but, lets face it, easy answer. The option was  available only that year.

SCORING
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy, ready to muck up others.
0-11 correct: You are one sad excuse of a geezer.

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters’ box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming “Run!!!”  The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers “RUN!! RUN!!”

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: “Walk.”  The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, “Run ye lazy bastard, run!”

The people around him begin laughing.   Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man’s embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can’t run — he has four balls.

The Scot stands up and screams: “Walk with pride,  Laddie!”

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap.”

Daughter to Dad … TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.”

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dad’s reply ….also by texting My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black coffin was followed by a second black coffin about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the coffin was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second coffin?”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

The Jewish man then asked “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Get in the line.”

Edited with BlogPad Pro