There was an interesting article in today’s Minneapolis Star Tribune. The headline is

No helmets or seat belts? Baby boomers lived dangerously by today’s standards

and the opening line is “By today’s safety standards, every baby boomer should have been dead by the time we were 12.” For those of us that lived through that era, the article is all too true and makes one question some of the actions today. Here is the link to the article.  http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/299600911.html?page=1&c=y

Read and Enjoy.

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.  

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! … Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.’ 

The lady can’t take this anymore.“You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!”, she retorted indignantly,’in this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”

‘Hey coola down lady’ said the man  “Whooza talkin’ about sex?” “I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell “Mississippi”

Following a wonderful week of playing in our Member/Guest event with my son I thought I might share a little golf humor.

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies’ tee box!”

To which the man turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!

A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He’s playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, “Are you going to let this slide? Do something!”

So God says, “Watch this.”

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, “Why did you reward him?”

God says, “Who is he gonna tell?”

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I  usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my  wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight.

I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls’. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Ping G25 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself… or should I take it back to Golfsmith?

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ 
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ 
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ 
’That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’ 
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ 
’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ 
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’ 
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ 
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ 
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
’How was he killed?’ asked one detective. 
’With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. 
’A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’ 
’I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’ 
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ 
Joe: ‘Really?’ 
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
’I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. 
’What did he say,’ asked the nurse. 
’Oops!’ 
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 
’What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ 
He’s still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance… 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. “

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 

After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. 

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”

This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

March Madness
The first NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament was held in 1939 and only consisted of eight teams.

This year, Kentucky is looking to become the eighth team to win the national championship with a perfect record.

It has been a long tradition that the tournament champions get to cut down the nets to take home, but since 1986 the winning school is also given the hardwood court too. 

Glen Rice holds the record for the most points in a single tournament with 184 points while playing for Michigan. 

The record for the most overtimes in a single game is four, which happened twice, once in 1956 and again in 1961. 

A number 16 seed team has never beaten a number one seed team. 

The lowest seed to ever win the NCAA Tournament was Villanova as a number 8 seed.

Only once did all four number 1 seeds advance to the final four. This was when Kansas, North Carolina, UCLA and Memphis met in 2008. 

The odds of filling out a perfect bracket are one in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (that’s a quintillion!) (Makes winning the Power Ball lottery seem like a snap)

Three individuals have won an NCAA championship as a player and as a coach; Joe Hall, Bob Knight and Dean Smith. 

Kansas City has hosted the most Final Fours to date, with a total of 10 since 1953.

The Connecticut Huskies are the only school to win his-and-her national championships in the same year.

UCLA head coach John Wooden has the most national championships with a total of 10.

Thirty-five different teams have won the NCAA tournament, but UCLA leads all schools with a total of 11 titles. 

In An Office Building:

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…

Spotted in a safari park:

(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer’s field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx