I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

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The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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Jake was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, Jake,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” Jake said, “I want you to marry Bert.”

“But I thought you hated Bert,” she said..

With his last breath Jake said, “I do!”

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me.   What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home from a date.  As they’re about to kiss goodnight at the door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall, and, smiling, he says, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on!  Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on!  There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way.  It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

“No, no, and no.  I love you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh, yes you can.  Please?”

“No, no.  I just can’t!”

“I’m begging you.”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, disheveled hair, and in a sleepy voice, says,

“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it… or if need be,

Mom says she can come down herself and do it.  But for heaven’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

 “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled down my knickers  and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven,” said God.

The woman replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

Jimmy decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.  His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

Jimmy gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t!”

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche….

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?”

“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck!”

“Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they’re lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? “No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”. She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.

“The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.

“The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

Death – “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir,” the new employee replied.
”Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

Palm Sunday – It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.”
”Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, he shows up!”

Support A Family – The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

First Time Ushers – A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “don’t pay for me daddy I’m under five.”

Climb The Walls – “Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. “Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,” the little boy answered.

The Water Pistol – When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied… “I remember!!!”

Grandma’s Age – Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, “and how old would you be if you let go?”

Marion, a widowed church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. 
  
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.   He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Marion’s house, walked home and left it there all night.

You Gotta Love Frank!

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” 

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“Duct tape.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch me some ducks.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“It’s a pussy willow.”

“Wait up,” says the old man. “I’ll get my hat!”