Written  across the wall of the cave were the following  symbols:

It was  considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least  3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the  museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study  the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of  conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The  President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens senator,  pointed to first drawing and  said:

“This is a  woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.  You can  also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so  they were smart enough to have animals help them till the  soil.

The next  drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help  them.”

“Even  further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that  if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from  the sea.

The last  symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently  Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically. 

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room  and said,

 “Idiots…..Hebrew  is read from right to left… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on  that Chick!”

A beautiful busty woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That s right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “you’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

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Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: ‘These girls nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!’

‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…. ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol, we will not be habbing a thermon tewday”.

A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing man. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f******g widow…..

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her cat. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back, ‘ Notre Dame!’ And they say blondes are dumb…

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…….

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.’ Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor.

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine? 
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy…

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world… Then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

4. I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

6. I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.

11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn..that was fun!

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Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City.   The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell “Jesus Christ!” at the same time.

More information will be reported as this story is followed.

Three women are playing the 4th hole at Canyon Lakes Golf course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 women look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first woman says, “Well he definitely is not my husband.”

The second woman looks at his manhood and says, “He for sure is not my husband.”

The third woman takes a good look and says, “He’s not even a member of this club.”

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ;

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’