Day Brightener – The Umbrella

umbrellaGotta love this…..Best Senior Moment I’ve heard!

Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester. There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of  America. I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”

The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in  France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in  Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”

God Bless  America – I love getting old.

It’s Time For The IRS To Go And Here’s How To Do It

It’s Time For The IRS To Go And Here’s How To Do It

Loren Berg – February 16, 2015

The abuses by the IRS continue to flow – it is like standing behind a manure spreader that is going 50 miles an hour – the crap is just flying. If you are not from a rural area you might not have the visual but I think you can imagine the process. The latest has the IRS seizing assets with no allegation of wrongdoing, arrest or any other proceeding. A recent example featured a business that had $940K in cash seized strictly because the IRS thought something was wrong with no evidence to support the claim. The business eventually got most of their money back – the IRS kept $50K for who knows why – and the business racked up close to $100K in legal fees. It boggles the mind that in our country we can be deprived of our assets without even a charge of wrongdoing!

Were this the only misdeed by the IRS it would be one thing but it follows a string of transgressions including hiding requested emails from Congress by claiming they had mysteriously disappeared only to have them appear later. Treating non-profit applications differently depending on whether or not the entities mission agreed with the intelligentsia. Watching a senior IRS employee claim before Congress that she has done nothing wrong followed immediately with a statement that she was exercising her Fifth Amendment right and would not be answering any questions. There is probably no doubt that the IRS is the most feared and hated agency in our government and it has earned that reputation. Beyond that the current tax code is totally unintelligible, even by those charged with the responsibility for enforcing it. Now they tell us that because of budget cuts that they will not be answering the phone or responding to taxpayer questions in all cases even though the Commissioner said that all of those cut have been rehired!

I could go on but it would only strengthen the case that the agency has to go. That said, we have to fund the government and the question is how can we accomplish that without an out-of-control agency looking over our shoulder? The answer is a consumption tax – better known as a sales tax. With this system the end user of any product or service, be it an individual or a business, would pay a tax on that purchase. The system to manage this process is already in place as most, if not all, states have a sales tax and that system could be utilized to collect the federal tax. Think about it – April 15th becomes just another day! All of the horrendous costs, projected at $482 billion for 2015 by the IRS, currently absorbed by individuals and businesses in an attempt to comply with the albatross that we now have for a tax system disappears. That would be a lot of money put back in the system for more productive things – not the least of which might be lower prices and more disposable income. The cost of maintaining the IRS – currently budgeted at almost $13 billion – the “B” word again – and 94,000 full time equivalent employees would go away. There might be some small costs involved in tracking and recording the receipts but that would not even rise to a rounding error compared to the current system’s costs.

The benefits don’t stop there. There is a segment of our economy that currently lives under the IRS and tax radar – appropriately called The Underground Economy. Transactions that are completed in cash and never get recorded anyplace. Wages paid in cash with no reporting or deductions are also a part of this segment. While there is no way to accurately know the size of this segment in a USA Today article from May 2013 it was estimated that the underground economy is as much as $2 trillion – the “T” word – annually. That said, there is no doubt that it exists and with a consumption tax – not a news flash these people and businesses buy things – that group would start paying their “Fair Share” to use the current buzz phrase. By the way, this is the only taxing system that can get at this segment. Even something like the flat tax would require reporting and those in the underground economy that do not report or file now would more than likely not file in a flat tax system. Currently we hear much about the “rich” not paying their fair share – that buzz phrase again – but with a consumption tax they would. Any idea what the consumption tax would be on a private jet or yacht? This should not come as a surprise – those with more income spend more money and under a consumption tax they would pay more taxes. The real beauty in this system is that for those paying the taxes there are no forms or reporting requirements – all you do is make those purchases that you currently make and at the same time settle your tax liability. I suspect that some in power would see this process as a negative as it would fully disclose how much each of us contributes to the functioning of the Federal Government on a daily basis.

Granted we would have to find gainful, and hopefully more productive, employment for all the tax accountants and lawyers currently employed by businesses and individuals in our attempts to comply with the current tax system, but I think that is a reasonable trade considering the benefits to all from eliminating the IRS. Finding gainful employment for the 94,000 IRS employees might be more of a challenge but once again a reasonable trade. Given the discontent with the current tax system I think the time is right to make the kind of change envisioned here. Whether or not our elected representatives have the will, and can put aside their political conflicts of interest, is another issue and one only time will tell.

To add a little levity and help focus on the size of the numbers that are thrown around, particularly by politicians, try this on for size. A trillion is one followed by 12 zeros – 1,000,000,000,000. Nothing that we know now other than dirt existed one trillion seconds ago, that’s clicks of the clock, which by the way is 31,688 years. For context Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe one trillion seconds ago.

Day Brightener – Skinny Dipping

FARMERCOLLAGE1_thumb1An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years..

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

Day Brightener – The Traffic Stop

A farmer got pulled over by a rural sheriff’s deputy for speeding, and the deputy started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the deputy got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The deputy stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are; I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The deputy says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The deputy says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

Friday Frivolity – Darn, This Must Mean I’m Older Than Dirt

MilkmanSomeone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up ?’  

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up ,’I informed him, ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’  

It was a place called ‘at home,’ I explainedMom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table. If I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it .’

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card .

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow) .

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was and so was bread .

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers   my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning .

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive .  

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing .

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it ?

A Double Day Brightener – The Blonde At The Super Bowl And Road Rage

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best — because it makes football sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

 

Day Brightener – Holy Prostitutes

canstockphoto21439248A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye… It reads:  

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

 He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought .  Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real  and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,  ‘What may we do for you! my son?’ He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’ ‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’ He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Day Brightener – The Italian Pregnancy

Wealthy ManAn 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy   kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a (Mercedes – Rocco) stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’‘ I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take   charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him. “You-a gonna   try again!”

Day Brightener – Senior, Or Anybody Else For That Matter, Trying To Set A Password

WindowsWINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA__IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA__IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Day Brightener – The Explanation

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ….. She never got your E-mail!”