A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

Jennifer a manager had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA got the job!

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said “About 2 hours.”

The guy left

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber again looked around the shop and said “About 3 hours.”

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber one again looked around the shop and said “About a hour and a half.”

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey Bob, do me a favor — follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he had to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, “So where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said….”Your house!”

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In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied:

“Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition.

Here are the  winners: 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,  which renders the subject financially impotent for an  indefinite  period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s  both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at  getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to  start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back  to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance  surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The  bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the  near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate  disease.  – (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a  serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of  getting through the day consuming only things that are good for  you.
13. All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The  frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a  spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and  cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning  submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The  person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding  hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that,  after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer  shorts worn by Jewish men.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

 THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

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I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?”

Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!” ..

She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?” ..

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 

‘What’s the matter, dear?’, she whispers as she steps into the room. ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’ 

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.’ 

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. 

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly. 

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 

‘Yes, I do,’ she replies. 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ 

‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’ 

‘I remember that, too,’ she replied softly. 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ‘I would have gotten out today.’ 

A Guy decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game.  His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.

He gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!”, she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

”I wasn’t “