A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though….”

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?’

The guy replies, ‘I’ m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto .’

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’

Jeff Foxworthy On Minnesota

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 28 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Minnesota

If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Minnesota

If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s “too spendy”, You might live in Minnesota

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April, You might live in Minnesota

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, You might live in Minnesota

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Minnesota

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Minnesota

If you know how to say…Wayzata. ..Mahtomedi. .Cloquet . Edina ..and Shakopee, You might live in Minnesota

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, You might live in Minnesota

If you often switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, You might live in Minnesota

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks… I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

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There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes ? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary’s!!

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

COMMITTEE: A body that takes minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie when the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the most labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

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A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.”

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it…?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special-Don’t EVER forget it.” If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it may bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.

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• The most common phobia is the fear of public speaking.
• If you could fold a piece of paper in half 103 times it would be as thick as the observable universe. Really?
  • The answer is simple: Exponential growth. The average paper thickness in 1/10th of a millimeter (0.0039 inches.) If you perfectly fold the paper in half, you will double its thickness. Things get interesting quickly.
  • Folding the paper in half a third time will get you about the thickness of a nail.
  • Seven folds will be about the thickness of a notebook of 128 pages.
  • 10 folds and the paper will be about the width of a hand.
  • 23 folds will get you to one kilometer—3,280 feet.
  • 30 folds will get you to space. Your paper will be now 100 kilometers high.
  • Keep folding it. 42 folds will get you to the Moon. With 51 you will burn in the Sun.
  • Now fast forward to 81 folds and your paper will be 127,786 light-years, almost as thick as the Andromeda Galaxy, estimated at 141,000 light-years across.
  • If you fold a paper in half 103 times it’ll get as thick as the Universe
  • 90 folds will make your paper 130.8 million light-years across, bigger than the Virgo Supercluster, estimated at 110 million light-years. The Virgo Supercluster contains the Local Galactic Group—with Andromeda and our own Milky Way—and about 100 other galaxy groups.
  • If you fold a paper in half 103 times it’ll get as thick as the Universe
  • And finally, at 103 folds, you will get outside of the observable Universe, which is estimated at 93 billion light-years in diameters.
• The trend of baggy shorts in the NBA was started by Michael Jordan because he wanted to wear his UNC shorts under his Bulls shorts.
• Michael Jackson wanted to do a Harry Potter musical but J.K. Rowling said no.
• New York’s Yellow Cabs are yellow because John Hertz, the company’s founder, learned from a study that yellow was the easiest color for the eye to spot.
• Shakira, a singer songwriter, has an IQ of 140 making her a “Genius”.
• “Guardians of the Galaxy” actor Chris Pratt was discovered waiting tables at a Bubba Gump Shrimp Restaurant in Hawaii by Tommy Chong’s daughter. She offered him a role in the movie on the spot.
• The time machine in “Back to the Future” was originally going to be a refrigeratory, but was changed when the creators thought kids would trap themselves in fridges while replicating the scene.
• The Grumpy Cat franchise is worth $100 million.
• Dragonflies have 6 legs like all insects – but they can’t use them to walk.

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We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theater evening. We turned on a ‘night light’, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

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A husband reluctantly
 agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot
 golf Tournament at his club.  He teed
 off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300
 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball,
 the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward
 the green, anywhere around there will be
 fine.” The wife proceeded to
 shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the
 husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart”
 and spent the full five minutes looking for the
 ball. He found it just in
 time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of
 his life to get the ball within two feet of the
 hole. He told his wife to knock the ball
 in.

His wife then proceeded
 to knock the ball off the green and into a
 bunker. Still maintaining
 composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed
 the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of
 the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm
 around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was
 a bogey five and that’s OK, but I think we can do better
 on the next hole”. To which she replied,
 “Listen , don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5
 shots were mine.”