An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?”  

The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do.” said the old man.  “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly… and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, “Everything appears to be fine.  Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem.  He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time… and then hot and sweaty after the second time.  Do you have any idea why?”

“Oh, that crazy old bastard!”  she replied.  “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in July!”

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In a small Irish convent the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey the convent had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:”God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy Moley, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. This morning, My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.

Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.  The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch.

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Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet…

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I had been living with the iPad 3 having bypassed the iPad 4 and the iPad Air. While my iPad 3 was working fine, I really wanted to upgrade to the iPad Air 2. If one is willing to use a little ingenuity and maybe strech a little sometimes the right opportunity presents itself. We spent Thanksgiving in Boise Idaho with our daughter and son-in-law and noticed that our daughter’s iPad had a broken display. Well, being a nice father I offered my current iPad to her and wallah I needed a new one.

Off to the Apple store and what do you know I left with a new iPad Air 2. Except for a little kerfuffle with Verizon – nothing new there – rather than just assign my new iPad to my existing number as I requested they assigned a new number to the iPad Air 2 and of course charged me a setup fee. A little over an hour on the phone the next day and things were resolved but an unnecessary waste of time.

I suspect if I had acquired the first iPad Air the difference would not be that noticable but coming from the iPad 3 to the iPad Air 2 the difference is nothing short of amazing. So much lighter and thinner that it is hard to belive that the new one is both faster and has better battery life. Other little touches like the fingerprint login and included iWorks help. All I can say is that if you did not get the first iPad Air do yourself a favor and take a look at the iPad Air 2.

Well lighter and thinner is great but that meant that my keyboard case for the iPad 3 was not going to work. I first ordered a Belkin Keyboard Case for the iPad Air 2 similar to the one I had for the iPad 3 but returned it because the keyboard backlighting did not work. In the interim I saw a glowing review from Joanna Stern of the Wall Street Journal on the Brydge keyboard for the iPad Air. (They have models for most of the iPad models.) While it is a little pricer – $160.00 vs. $149.00 for the Beklin – I ordered one. The current model is for the first iPad Air which is a little thicker than the iPad Air 2 but Brydge supplies replacements for the shims that hold the iPad Air 2 securly. Bear in mind, the Brydge is not a keyboard case it is a keyboard that has two extended hinges that hold the iPad (see the image above) so the back of the iPad is not covered. That, and probably the price, are the only issues with the product. The keyboard itself is without a doubt the best one for an iPad I have seen. It is not quite as large as the keyboard on my MacBook Air but touch typing is a breeze. Key spacing is good and the feel is that of a real keyboard. Couple that with three levels of keyboard backlighting and a range of 135 degrees in dislay placement plus no issues with the iPad slipping or flopping around when typing on your lap and this is a winner.

I am writing this post on the iPad Air 2/Brydge Keyboard combination using an app called Blog Pad Pro on my lap while watching a football game.  First time with the app but it appears to be more capable than the free WordPress offering. One distinct advantage is that you can schedule the publishing of the post at a later date something missing in the standard WordPress offering. More about the app after I have a little more time with it. However, this is one more step in making the iPad and keyboard my only computing device when traveling.. 

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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. “With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?” asked the captain. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I’m getting a free trip to Italy .” “I see,” the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

A group of Arizona seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Coffee Club .

“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. 

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.” 

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you,” said one elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman cheerfully.  “Thank God we can all still drive.”

The explanation: Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested. Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time the brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!

I have more friends I should send this too, but right know I can’t remember their names. So please forward it to your friends, they may be my friends too.