It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.  He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”

Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant – much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.  As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get  away from my deer!”

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.  And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, “Okay, lady! You can have your  deer, just let me get my saddle off it!”

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

———————————–

You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

“Attention to all standby passengers. El Al is proud to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London. Shalom!  Maintenance, clean up at Gate 2, please.”

BRILLIANT!!!!

Four good buddies were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his friends and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it!.  We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”  Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says, “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said,  “Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf. And she said, “Dress warm and may you have a nice day with your buddies.”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said; “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly;

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
 approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
 played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re
 about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
 The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
 his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
 liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
 you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
 The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
 donation, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, 
I’ll marry them.”

A single man had just finished a nice meal at a first class restaurant. The waitress brought him his check. The diner left the amount of the check plus a 3 penny tip. The waitress looked at the miserly tip and commented “I can tell you three things about you from the tip.” The man asked what that might be?” The waitress responded; “One, your are a bachelor.” “Right” replied the man. “Second the waitress said you are quite well to do”. “Right again” the man replied. “And third your father was a bachelor also”.

Dear  Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00, Not 2:15, Not 2:05 – Two! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.  

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Robert, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. Joan, I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 9 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything, means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Playing Domino’s and cards is better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card  that may or may not be signed.

The election is over so  I’ll watch what I say about the black bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good  time, but it will be at your expense.  

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I  prefer vodka & wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the  above.

Love  You,

Grandma–

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot…

Could you give me some tips?’ he asked.

The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’

‘Sure will’

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa . The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don’t get it.’

‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’ 

‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.

‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’

‘Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.’

‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’

‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’

‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.’

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What are your green fees? Staff: $38.00. Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m  running late.  Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you  can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit  them for  practice? Staff: You mean a driving range? Caller: No, that’s not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between  12 o’clock and noon. Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon? Caller: Yes. Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller: What’s the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We’ll take that one.  It will be a bit warmer. 

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: How much to play golf today? Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart. Caller: 38 dollars? Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow? Staff: What time would you like? Caller: What times do you have? Staff: What time of the day? Caller: Any time. Staff: Morning or afternoon? Caller: Whenever. Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list? Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have a dress code? Staff: Yes, we do.  We require soft spikes. Caller: How about clothes? Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls? Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls.  But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same  price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow? Staff: Sure, what time would you like? Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock.  In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there? Staff: Yes, they’re $25.00. Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a large bucket? Staff: $4.00. Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have a twilight rate? Staff: Yes, it’s $15.00 after 2 o’clock. Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf  course. Staff: OK, what would you like to know? Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and  said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

I don’t often post videos but this one is special – particularly for those of us old enough to remember these two giants – at least figurally speaking – perform.

Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change.  Life’s too short to be anything…but happy.

OLD GUYS DANCING

We all know Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly were great dancers but they weren’t the only ones. Here are James Cagney and Bob Hope at a Friar’s Club Meeting in 1955, back when actors were real performers; Hope was 52 and Cagney was 56. This looks like it’s from a movie, not a routine from a Friar’s Club meeting. Doesn’t take away from it though!

For the young folks, here is something you probably never seen before and, unfortunately, you may never see again.

For us older folks, this is the best of the best, and we had it for many years! This is a side of these two entertainers you hardly ever saw, but it shows you their enormous talent. Bob Hope, the best of comedians, and James Cagney, mostly cast as the bad guy, a gangster in the movies.

Click HERE to watch the video!