• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years – just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
• That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them. If you don’t forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes your bellybutton will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.  So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: “Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(you’re going to love this) 

“Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!” 

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Kevin says: “I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Kevin’s hooker.”

The other day, the wife of a friend of mine said to him, “Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout!  And, I want it done before the end of the day!”

Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most others of our age, are retired and do have the time to address such  “Honey do’s”. So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.

• One is a sheet metal fabricator.
• One brought his welder.
• One brought beer and Nachos.
• One brought a grill and burgers.’

Took us about 4-6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the burgers.

And as usual, his wife is still not happy! Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it! 
Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain again.

“I’m not going to
 cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to 
 warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
 broken and 
 it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I 
 shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return
 home.”

“Also,” 
 said the officer, “I noticed one of your horse’s
 reins is wrapped around his 
 testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
 animals so you should 
 have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my 
 husband check this when I get home.”

True to her word, when the Amish 
 lady got home, she told her husband about the broken
 reflector.
 
 He 
 said he would put a new one on immediately.
 
 “Also,” said the Amish woman, 
 “The policeman said there was something wrong with the
 emergency 
 brake.”

WHERE  is my SUNDAY paper?!”

Denny called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where his Sunday edition was.

“Sir”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is  not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by  a ray of  recognition as Denny was heard to mutter,  “Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either”.

COINCIDENCE

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” “Oh, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”

Bless her little heart. How sweet. The secret to long life.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above: She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty,” she replied.

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.” The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?” “Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros.”

“Grand so” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.” It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. “Ok yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.

“I’m happy to pay, here is your money” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

The Irishman replied, “Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

O x y m o r o n s

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary,where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance”mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands”when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark”when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee”mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics”not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage,where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind,why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

His request approved, the CNN photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot?

‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, Is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

“Life is short. Drink the good wine first.”

August 12–Moved to our new home in Minnesota. It’s so beautiful here. The trees and hills are so wonderful. I can hardly wait to see them covered with snow. I love it here.

October 14–Minnesota is the most beautiful place on Earth. Went for a ride in my new car to a state park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly the most wonderful animals on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

December 2–Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

December 12–It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything covered in a blanket of white. It looks like a post card. Went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Minnesota.

December 19–More snow fell last night. I couldn’t get out of the driveway to go skiing. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.

December 22–More of that white shit fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think that damn snow plow hides behind the corner and waits until I finish shoveling. ASS HOLE!

December 25–Merry fucking Christmas! More damn snow. If I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch that drives that snow plow, I swear I’ll strangle the living shit out of the bastard. I don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the frickin ice.

December 27–More fucking white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling the driveway after that shitload of a snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of that shit again tonight. Do you know how many damn shovels full of snow are in a frickin 10″?

December 28–The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit this time. At this fricking rate, it won’t melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him that I had already broken two shovels while shoveling all of that shit he pushed into the driveway. I broke my last shovel over his damn head. Fucking Minnesotan!

January 4–Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the frickin hunters had killed them all last November.