“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” – Babe Ruth

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Paul Horning

 “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” – H. L. Mencken

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – George Bernard Shaw

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!” – W. C. Fields

“Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser.” – Professor Irwin Corey

“To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!” – Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Miss Beatrice, the Church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the vicar came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old​ ​Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you could tell me about this? ‘Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had a cold or the flu all winter.’

If you don’t send this to five GOOD friends right away there will be five fewer people smiling in the world.

Retirement The longer you’ve been together, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly couple was at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake Phil, Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!”

I Bet you didn’t see that coming

Business Man in 1^st. Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…… Floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
• Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

Jim and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jim didn’t show up. Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Jim hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn’t know where Jim lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Jim, but one day Bob approached the park and– lo and behold!–there sat Jim! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Jim, what in the world happened to you?’

Jim replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail!’ cried Bob. What in the world for?

‘Well,’ Jim said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?

‘Yeah,’ said Bob, ‘I remember her….. What about her?

‘Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and (Insert Bank Name) billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to (Insert Bank Name).

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

(Insert Bank Name): ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

(Insert Bank Name): (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member:’ No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

(Insert Bank Name):’Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member:’ Sure.’ (Fax number was given)  After they get the fax :

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘That might help….’

Family Member:’ Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

(Insert Bank Name): ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

(Priceless!!)

And you wondered why (Insert Bank Name) needed help from the Feds?

SMART  ASS ANSWER #6

It  was mealtime during an airline flight.  ‘Would you like  dinner?’, the flight attendant  asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John  asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied. 

SMART  ASS ANSWER #5

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he  opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a  beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your  stub.’

SMART  ASS ANSWER #4

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but  she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock  boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’  The stock boy  replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART  ASS ANSWER #3

The  police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for  speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’  the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as  fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he  sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART  ASS ANSWER #2

A  truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that  read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in  front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up  for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of  his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and  says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was  delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART  ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A  college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now  class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I  might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,  or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses  whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room  raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I  was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’  The  entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When  silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,  shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you’d have to write the  exam with your other hand.’

A  BONUS EXTRA

A  woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy  with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look  old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a  compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect. 
THE  HUSBAND IS NOW IN INTENSIVE CARE HOPING FOR A FULL RECOVERY.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home . What the…?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone! (and God love that pig!)