All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her!”

Dear  Abby –  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One  is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in  her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve  never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think  they could be Lebanese?

Dear  Abby – What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR

Dear  Abby – I  have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure if  the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear  Abby – I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has  been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well  enough to discuss money with him.

Dear  Abby – I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, but when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear  Abby – Our son writes that he is learning judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear  Abby – I  joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get  out?

Dear  Abby – My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear  Abby – I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober

Dear  Abby – My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause

Dear  Abby – You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest  in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all  interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!!

A SHOT OF WHISKEY – In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand were low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS – American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM – This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.

IRON CLAD CONTRACT – This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE – Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it as    common to place one of these Buck Knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there”.

RIFF RAFF – The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts, which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB – The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.

SHIP STATEROOMS – Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT – Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

SHOWBOAT – These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating”.

OVER A BARREL – In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN – Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats.  People would say they “barged in”.

HOGWASH – Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash”.

CURFEW – The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu”, which means “cover the fire”. It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu”, which later became the modern “curfew”.

In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew”.

BARRELS OF OIL – When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS – As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys.   I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”  They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition.  She’s afraid that the car could be stolen.   As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.” There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!

Welcome to the golden years…………..

*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.*~Jay Leno~

*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.*~Henry Cate, VII~

*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.* ~Aesop~

*If we got one tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.* ~Will Rogers~

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.* ~Clarence Darrow~

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.* ~John Quinton~

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.* ~Oscar Ameringer~

*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.* ~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.* ~ Tex Guinan~

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.* ~Charles de Gaulle~

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.* ~Doug Larson~

*There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.* ~Will Rogers~

“If you want a real friend – that you can trust in Washington – go buy a dog!” ~Harry Truman~

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said: ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up. The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’ The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’ So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’ The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, … I know ’em all.’ A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin? ‘The blonde replies, Oh, that’s easy… it’s W.’

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: ‘Is it mine?’

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her 4th year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.’

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police

dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY. EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE, YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS LAST ONE:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. “I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced #1 Blonde. “Do what?” asked #2 Blonde. “Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church, The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do

Ole said, “I vish ve had somethin ta drink!”

Sven says, “Me too. Y’know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks “How iss you feelin dis mornin?”

Ole says, “I feel great. How bout you?”

Sven says, “I feel great, too. Ya don’t have no hangover?”

Ole says, “No dat jet fuel iss great stuff — no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often.”

Sven agreed.”Yeah, vell, but dere’s yust vun ting.”

Ole asked, “Vat’s dat?”

Sven questioned, “Haff you farted yet?”

Ole stopped to think. “No ”

“Vell, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Iowa

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he
was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire
career”.

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. 

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic

OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” 

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”  “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.” 

The nun says, “That’s OK.  My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”