An Airline Pilot parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his house, ready to show it off to his neighbors. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the pilot started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the pilot finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe how materialistic you pilots are,” he said, “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the pilot.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the pilot. . . “My Rolex!

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The blonde said it was hers.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said.

The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.’

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

(You gotta love this)………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

 Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00 Arrive late and you get what’s left over. Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup. Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.

Love You,

Grandma.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,
”I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
”Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded  wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.  The pilot survived but knocked out.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, “Any idea where we are?”

Stosh replied, “Don’t know for sure, but I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last  year.”

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger”…  “In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”  “Before I kill you, I grant you three requests” “What is your FIRST request?’

The Lone Ranger responds,  “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits   he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse”, “But I will still kill you in two days.”  “What is your SECOND request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

“You are indeed a man of many talents,”   “But I will still kill you tomorrow.” “What is your LAST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse…alone.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

“Listen Very Carefully!!!  FOR…THE…LAST…TIME… “BRING POSSE!”

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through London .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of England ‘s enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous..

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken soup, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, shitting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous… Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep shitting. I was thinking, ‘What if I shit on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was pissed off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too hammered to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate. ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me… ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. ‘Find Lord Lucan yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Glasgow , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out….’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Lehman Bank, didn’t you?
12. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn’t tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches”, and went to the bathroom.  The wife promptly went into the Maid’s bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her…. When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” And then she switched on the light… “No madam”, said the Gardener.

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t, like, paid for them. OMG!  Hellloooo,………… Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I’m, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year — that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.