When will the madness end? Saturday I received another “Notice Of Proposed Settlement Of Class Action” package. The litigants are not important, what is is the ridiculous terms of the “settlement” and level of attorney fees being sought. The total amount of the settlement is $16,250,000 and the Lead Plaintiffs’ Counsel is seeking attorneys’ of up to 25% of the settlement plus expenses not to exceed $360,000 (any guess that attorneys’ fees and expenses will not be any less either?).

In the body of the notice it states that the claim amount per share will be the lesser of $13.17 or the difference between the purchase price per share and the average closing price per share on the date sold. Sounds like this could turn out to be substantial money. Well in Paul Harvey fashion here is the rest of the story and I quote “Based to the information currently available to Lead Plaintiff and the analysis performed by its damages consultants, it is estimated that if Settlement Class Member submit claims for 100% of the shares eligible for distribution under the Plan of Distribution (described below), the estimated average distribution per share of common stock will be approximately $0.36 before deduction of fees and expenses”. That is not a typo! So after deducting $0.09 for the 25% attorney fees and a couple of cents for expenses each share is looking at maybe $0.24 to $0.26. Hell, in todays market most stocks move more than that every day. Remember the claim amount was somewhere in the $13.00 territory. For this the attorneys are looking at over $4,000,000 in fees! Maybe the Reasons for Settlement says it: “Avoids the costs and risks associated with continued litigation, including the danger of no recovery“. (Emphasis mine) Any guess as to whether the concern was about the $0.36 or the $4,000,000?

To add insult to injury they require that claimants complete a rather involved Claim Form. Why is that necessary they obviously know I owned shares in the noticed time frame or they would not have sent me the notice.

Given the above either there was not much of a foul here or there was no case to start with. If this is not an abuse of the legal system I don’t know what is. To my mind this is nothing more than court sanctioned robbery. Any guess as to who will pay for this and other similar actions? No surprise its all of us in the way of higher prices. I don’t know what it is going to take before we see meaningful tort reform but this case might well be the poster child for why it is needed.

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip…

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice..  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink..  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10….
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,”Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say,”Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

If you’ve ever been around anyone who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new Boss was determined to rid the Company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO noticed a Guy leaning against a wall.The room was full of Workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business

He asked the Guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young Man looked at him and said, “I make $400  week. Why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the Guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that ‘goof-ball’ did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Domino’s Pizza ‘delivery’ Guy.”

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of bitches!”

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!  Old golfers never die, they just keep driving away.

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

Two engineers–

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said STEVEN, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!” Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he ,would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’ Harry: ‘9.’

Principal: What is 6 x 6?’ Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’ Ms. Brooks says to the principal,  ‘Let me ask him some questions.’, The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’ Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ Harry: ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval’ Harry: ‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks:  ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’  The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubblegum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?’ Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’ Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,  ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade.  I got the last seven questions wrong…’

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh…  no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties…  and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, …..

“Check the garage.”

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex . . .

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07… Foursomes are encouraged.

#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05… Three times a day is possible.

#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it.