A drunken man who smelled of booze sat down on a subway next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What be those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on this God’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman, “Mercedes think of everything!”

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you? 

The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
 embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and
said with a laugh…”I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? That’s Absurd!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.  She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.  He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in the my car.  I must get home.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”  He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.  She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you SO much?  You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man.  I just got out of prison yesterday.  I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing.  “Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!”

Is GOD great or what!?!

“For better digestion – I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine.  In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.” 

“When do you drink water?” 

“I’ve never been that sick.”  

Let’s start with getting one thing straight – domestic violence is a crime and should be treated that way. It is abhorrent and those who perpetrate such acts are to be scorned and dealt with to the full extent of the law. That said let’s take a look at the Ray Rice situation and see if there is a way to figure out how this blew up over the last few days.

While the video that was released by TMZ is shocking and showed the level of violence involved it did not provide any new information. That’s right, we have known for months that Rice hit his then fiancé and dragged her from the elevator. Further, my understanding is that the police and prosecutor had this video from the beginning. Should Rice have received a different level of punishment than what he received? No question – let’s face it if I, or pretty much anybody else committed a similar crime, we would most assuredly have been introduced to a period of time in jail – but then we can’t win football games. So, I would suggest that any outrage about Rice’s level of penalty should first, and primarily, be laid at the feet of the prosecution.

Much has been said about the NFL’s, and particularly Roger Goodell’s, treatment of this incident. To put this in perspective I would like to draw a parallel. There are 32 teams in the NFL and I suspect that each has at least 100 employees, probably more than that but for our discussion I will use that number. That’s 3,200 people. Let’s say that you are the CEO of an organization with 3,200 employees and one of those employees, not a direct report but one that reports to a least one or two managers below your level, commits a crime similar to Rice’s. What are the odds that our imaginary CEO would have an intimate knowledge of and have dealt with the penalty in that case? Maybe not zero but close. He might have known it happened but would depend on the staff to properly administer the situation. But let’s further complicate the situation. Rice is not employed by the NFL but by the Baltimore Ravens and as such the NFL is even one more level removed from the situation. Given that, it would suggest that the second level of outrage, if there is any, might be directed to the Ravens. I am not a cheerleader for the NFL only trying to put this incident in some perspective.

No doubt both the Ravens and the NFL could have reacted more forcefully when this first surfaced and they have acknowledged that, adjusted their penalties accordingly and instituted much more stringent punishments for any future incidents. So what is the wildcard in this fiasco? My vote goes to the media – I suspect one would need a CRAY supercomputer to calculate the number of times the second video has been shown. Further the amount of time the talking heads have spent pontificating on this would leave one to believe that this has started World War III. Remember, the second video provided no new information. Further, how many other acts of domestic violence have been perpetrated in this same timeframe that received absolutely no mention by anyone? Thousands maybe more – who knows? Maybe, just maybe, more time spent on those nameless, faceless incidents would do more in reducing the levels of domestic violence than the hoopla surrounding the Rice affair.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’ The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’ The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and someone who is gay.

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee, the Greek says: “Well, we built the Parthenon.” The Italian replies “We built the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts “We Greeks gave birth to mathematics.” The Italian, nodding, says: “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says: “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies: “That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.”

NOW THAT’S ITALIAN!

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl)  came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do.” I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.

My dental surgery is on Monday.